To The Fullest.

Sometimes, I feel dead.
For me, that means either of two things.
1) Everything is so boring. Nothing matters and I don't feel anything.
2) Everything hurts when I care, so I'm going to flow through and just keep swimming, and not care anymore.

Right now, my gut is telling me the former.
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The last semester of the last two years tended to be bad for me. The classes I did the worst in would climax in their difficulty and I wouldn't be able to keep up because of my inability to study or understand what was happening in class, tests appeared in more concentration and I did worse on them, and I would stay up all night "studying" and wake up not knowing much more than before.
This year; it seems like its different. The sun is shining more, and I'm sort of knowing what I'm doing. But emotionally, I'm the polar opposite of what I used to be.
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Back in those days, I would tell myself that I was "just living" as a comfort to myself. Back then, I didn't really understand what that meant, but it made sense.
I understand now.
I flowed from day to day, not doing much except being and talking and reacting to whatever was happening in the day. I was reacting, not doing, and thus I was doing badly. I wasn't living the life I wanted to live, but I would tell myself that I just had to survive the semester and then I would be free from it.
Those wishes did come through. The semester would end and bring summer, breaking in a time filled with opportunity and learning for me that I did on my own.
I love summers and three day weekends because they give you time to regain control of yourself and do what you want instead of "just living."
I'm really worried that I'm doing that again.
I don't want to "just live." I want to be alive and do things living people do, not sit around and survive what's in front of me. I want to do what I want to do, study what I want to do, make my life instead of forming it around what's around me
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I haven't written in this blog in a while because I had nothing interesting to write about, because I was falling to that mentality again. There's nothing interesting about what happens on a day to day basis, what happens when the only things on your mind are the events of the day.
I want to be alive, whatever it takes. I want to make decisions, not have them made for me, or make them as a response to an obstacle in front of me.
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This is a rather idealistic post. But I need this idealism if I want to escape the crutch I've lived under the last two years. I won't let it happen again, I won't let my momentum die out because of fear or apathy or anything.
Here's hoping it works.