The Go-Getters

Renegades. Heroes. Some call them badasses, but that depends on your definition of badass.
They're the heroes of the books that we really, really like. The ones that really, desperately want something and will fight for it, but are naive enough to believe that there's more to life than the mundane 'get what you want' without consequences.
I call them the Go-Getters. Because they run after they want and keep running until they have it, or become good enough people to realize they don't need it anymore.
I can think of a dozen examples, most of them boys. In fact, someone in my AP Lang class asked me why all my "babies" (as I like to call most of these characters) are boys.
I don't like that.
I can vividly think of only two or three examples of characters that defy it, but even they are disappointing. They lack that hopeful chauvinism that defines so many great characters. They are badass, but quickly fall into the trap that I-am-too-cool-for-this attitude that never manages to disappoint me.
I want to write a novel about this kind of girl, and she's already in my head. That isn't the news.
The news is that I used to be this kind of person but I'm too lacking in courage and pride to be anymore. I wish I were this type of person.
That's why I read so much about them.
(If anyone cares, I'm thinking of characters like Edward Elric, Augustus Waters, Jace Wayland, Rose Hathaway, etc etc. I don't think anybody really cares though. That's the thing about this post. People will read it and then return to their tumult filled lives, not a thing changed. I say this knowing that few will notice or bother to read this footnote, but hoping that maybe someone will for the better. So I post this note anyways, hoping.)

To The Fullest.

Sometimes, I feel dead.
For me, that means either of two things.
1) Everything is so boring. Nothing matters and I don't feel anything.
2) Everything hurts when I care, so I'm going to flow through and just keep swimming, and not care anymore.

Right now, my gut is telling me the former.
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The last semester of the last two years tended to be bad for me. The classes I did the worst in would climax in their difficulty and I wouldn't be able to keep up because of my inability to study or understand what was happening in class, tests appeared in more concentration and I did worse on them, and I would stay up all night "studying" and wake up not knowing much more than before.
This year; it seems like its different. The sun is shining more, and I'm sort of knowing what I'm doing. But emotionally, I'm the polar opposite of what I used to be.
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Back in those days, I would tell myself that I was "just living" as a comfort to myself. Back then, I didn't really understand what that meant, but it made sense.
I understand now.
I flowed from day to day, not doing much except being and talking and reacting to whatever was happening in the day. I was reacting, not doing, and thus I was doing badly. I wasn't living the life I wanted to live, but I would tell myself that I just had to survive the semester and then I would be free from it.
Those wishes did come through. The semester would end and bring summer, breaking in a time filled with opportunity and learning for me that I did on my own.
I love summers and three day weekends because they give you time to regain control of yourself and do what you want instead of "just living."
I'm really worried that I'm doing that again.
I don't want to "just live." I want to be alive and do things living people do, not sit around and survive what's in front of me. I want to do what I want to do, study what I want to do, make my life instead of forming it around what's around me
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I haven't written in this blog in a while because I had nothing interesting to write about, because I was falling to that mentality again. There's nothing interesting about what happens on a day to day basis, what happens when the only things on your mind are the events of the day.
I want to be alive, whatever it takes. I want to make decisions, not have them made for me, or make them as a response to an obstacle in front of me.
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This is a rather idealistic post. But I need this idealism if I want to escape the crutch I've lived under the last two years. I won't let it happen again, I won't let my momentum die out because of fear or apathy or anything.
Here's hoping it works.

Goals

I want to write more. More nonfiction and more fictionfiction. I want to write fiction stories and get my novel on the road, and I want to write articles about things I'm interested in.
I want to exercise more, become fast and strong and undeniably, skinnier. I want to be one of those girls who can walk around in their body without feeling inadequate or bad about themselves, to be able to run without gasping for air. I want to be able to demand my body to do things I never would have done before. I want to be physically strong.
I want to read more, and of alot of different things. Last year was a year of YA fiction, of reading what was in front of me at the library and returning alot of books unread, of keeping up with loved series instead of finding new things to read. This year is going to be different. I'm going to read more non-fiction, but also only reading things I want to read instead of reading things I think I should read. My interests never solely revolved around the books people talked the most about. I should have known better.
I want to know more. About the world and my peers, and how it all works. I want to be able to keep exploring instead of staying in my comfortable little bubble, typing away as I waste my days obsessing over grades and the like.
I want to do more, do more with my friends and make friends. I want to have more of those friendships where you really know someone, where you can trust them with an idea without worrying about tarnishing the image of yourself in their head. I want to practice more, be able to do things more.
I want to BE someone, I want to love and love deeply. I don't want to waste my time and days watching things in order to satisfy that hungry drive in me. I love Tumblr, but it, along with a combination of other factors during sophomore year, really inhibited my talented and ambition. I won't let that happen anymore. Tumblr and Twitter are the places for expression, not placacy. I should have learned that awhile ago, Tumblr is most boring when used that way. I would know.
I want to be myself, without anything stopping me anymore. That's going to be the hardest one. I know that now, as typing those words make me anxious when I can't really envision myself doing that. What will that mean? What kind of person will I seem to be? What really am I? I'm fairly good at disgusing myself, playing roles that aren't really me in public. I wonder what I'll become. What I'll make myself be when I finally stop hiding. I have no idea, but the idea scares the crap out of me, but I suppose that's good. Being scared means you're doing something uncomfortable, and being uncomfortable pushes you in directions you've never been before. Hopefully, I'm in the right direction. I hope my anxiety is wrong.
Sayanora guys.