Confident. Finally.

I finally got there.
You know, that special little place where you don't feel like crap for breathing and you're not worrying every damn half second about things.
Which is ironic, because being the month of AP tests and finals and college essays and what not, you think this would be the worst month.
Traditionally, it has been. (at least in the last two years)
And yet, it isn't. It's actually one of the best.
Maybe I've been building to it all this time, from September to now. Maybe I finally hit the confidence jackpot and was like "congrats, you finally did it" to myself.
I do remember when it started though.
Remember my music video trauma? When I made my music video and I was stuck and then I was inspired, and I wrote that I was going somewhere with it?
After three weeks of coming into the DVP room before and after school, logging Mr. Russo's heavy camera and hoping to God I wouldn't break it, filming people who didn't really want to help but did so out of obligation, I finally finished it.
And it was good.
Good enough that, in fact, when I played it for my friend in class, it took me a couple minutes to notice the crowd that had slowly but surely gathered around to watch. And after it was finished, one of the best students in the class went "That was actually pretty good." A really popular senior girl (Who actually is really nice, but she is also really well-known so NO NAMES) asked me to play it again. I did, and then she said "That's really good." Someone even asked me to upload it on Youtube.
Keep in mind that I don't think its a "great" music video. I don't think that any company would upload this as their official music video. But it was the one I wanted to make and I slaved over making and the one, that in the end, earned everyone's respect.
I don't know, it was then when it all hit me. The fact that I did it, that I made this thing after stressing and worrying and working for days without expecting much out of it. I did do it to make it good, but I didn't do it for the 'fame' or in the belief that I would actually get respect or recognition for it.
But when I did, I got in a good mood. And it hasn't went away yet.
It's helped me realize that "Holy shit. I DID something." Most of my other projects that I've slaved over have either gone unrecognized (not that I feel as if my work would warrant that much recognition anyways) or simply not paid attention to. It was just another assignment, like this one. One I took pride and agony trying to make good, but an assignment.
Most of the other videos in that class other people have taken charge on, so I just slid back and let others do all the work. None of it was intrinsically whollistically, 'mine'. There is a whole list on the credits though, and at least four names just for sticking with me and letting me be a weak numbutt about it for a week before calling it quits on the first song, and doing another.
I know my potential now. And what I want to do for the rest of my life.
Not necessarily music videos. But I want to do things that I slave and work for, heart and soul, and then see the faces of the people (as I now realize) I respect and admire as they watch it. To see their admiration reflected back, as an equal.
That's all really. To be an equal.
Also, I have college essays to worry about. And Ivy Leagues to not get into when I see my peers apply and get accepted to. Things like that. I have a intimidating internship in the summer that I hope to go I don't screw up. I'm not stressed about it.
I've come a long way (at least in my mind) from the teenage girl that cried over if her friends still cared about her.
Gotta keep moving forward.
P.S: Because I put a smartcard in the CD slot of an Apple computer at school (true story) I have to wait till monday to put my video online. It'll probably be under a "only people with the link" can see the video (at least at first) but if you guys want to see it, I'll put a link on here later and blog post about it.