I worked really hard this semester, and got most of the grades I wanted. Granted, not everything was straight A's, but that was mostly because of screwing up opportunities first quarter. I did well on my finals, achieving my big three goals, and hitting that coveted GPA that I've been aiming for this semester. I freaked and excitement, fistpumping in AP Lang when Mr. F put up my grade for the semester. I got it. I won. I should be happy, right?
When I got home, I read a tweet hashtagged with #IGoToASchoolWhere that said, I quote "no matter how hard you work, you will never be at top. because that's central and I've never seen this competition before." I didn't doubt the validity of this quote so much as blow it off, thinking about how hard I worked and how that made me on the same level as my peers that were just finishing their NHS applications. Because now I was above and beyond the GPA required for that club, when last year I wasn't. So that was pride enough for me. Then I went to ACT prep.
In that class are two East Asian (Being Arab, I am West Asian/Middle Eastern), rather intelligent students that I have seen around in a few of my classes. Having no real friends in ACT prep, and curious, I sat behind them. During our designated breaks, they talked. I tried to join in, but I was mostly put off to the side. So, as I stumbled through the Science guidance questions, I listened to their conversation. They brought up the ACT, and scores. That's when the trouble began.
"Oh, I did so terrible, I got a 30 on my first try!" The other girl hissed, reciprocating her feelings. "The Science part was so hard, I got like a 28 in that section!" Behind her, my metaphorical jaw dropped, but I kept listening. They started talking about NHS applications and how they needed to finish the Leadership piece and there was more talk about Physics Honors grades and all that stuff, and my head started swimming with the realization that I was so, so behind compared to my peers. I was going to be in all AP and honors classes next year (with the possible exception of Economics) and taking Early Bird as a likely possibility, but it still wouldn't be enough. To these people, I still didn't mean anything until I was equal to them completely. I'll always be nothing until I'm something. I just don't know when the race ends and I can finally declare myself a winner in their eyes.
I don't know what to say really, except that my victory is still a victory, but that tweet was righter than I gave it credit for. Thank God, sincerely and honestly, for helping me the most during my finals when I really needed to do well as being the tipping point for the big grades I needed, but now I feel like I should be dissatisfied with what I have and fight even more viciously for more, just to keep level with my peers. I'm already significantly behind, my gut tells me, and I have alot to do before they'll ever consider me their equal, or their friend.
Just something to think about the day of the second semester.
Showing posts with label grades. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grades. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Control (Warning: This Will Be Rambly)
This is a post I've been wanting to make for a very, very long time, but I never found the real gut of the message until now.
We practice control. We need control. We need control over how the rest of our lives pan out because if we don't, we're letting our lives go wherever, and often times that means no where. We study on our finals to get the futures we want, and workworkwork in order to get grades, ignoring our fun distractions in pursuit of that A and acceptance letter.
If you knew me in AP Euro, you will remember that I was one of those kids. The bright, seemingly always funny and talkative members of the class, a true class participant to say the least. The teacher would make fun of me, as he did to all his favorite students, and I would do stupid things (mostly by accident) like say "cat" during a free association game when the prompt was "door" and be typecast as the crazy/out there roles during our projects, those little things. But I don't think anyone in my class noticed this, but the more outlandish and self-deprecating I was, the more tolerant I was of people making fun of me, the worse my grades were.
Not in AP Euro, but in general. For me, sophomore year was a time of trying to be happy, living in the moment or whatever. It was my happiest year with my worst grades. I didn't care because it didn't feel that important, college felt so distant and irrelevent, and why the heck should I care? It doesn't make a difference, right? There was little innovation that year, no great and sudden changes or creations, not like now or anything. I had no real commitments to anything. All my friends except for three were fleeting, people who only talked to me when we had the same lunch or class period. I was fine with it, because I thought things were okay. When my grades got bad, I distracted myself by being the class jester in the few classes that the teachers did encourage that kind of behavior, the teachers that didn't mind poking fun of what was strange or unfamiliar because it was strange and unfamiliar to them. I hated it, but tolerated it. Most people from those classes still think I'm smart, that I'm funny and bright and interesting. It's really not that simple.
We want control because, in the end, it's what we don't really have given to us. Every decision is unconscious or unaware of the implications, unaware of what we really want because we can't see past what's in front of us or can't see in that direction at all. We have control, more power than we're ever aware of, but most of us don't know how to fully harness it. We don't know how to do exactly the things we need to do to get the things we want, or to realize when we're working for something that we don't really want that thing at all. It's hard to realize, especially when you feel like you're drowning in a sandpit and you just have to keep going, going and going because one day this semester will end and everything will make sense. That's what I thought, and believed. I wish things were different. I wish I could be like the peers in my two AP classes that work hardhard because they know what they want, and they're constantly creating and acting to make it happen, already knee deep in what they want to do or make with their lives whether it be journalism or acting or writing. I wish I was like that.
I'm supposed to be studying for Physics, but my teacher's website isn't working when it needs to work, and it has everything on it so I can't practice and review until it works. I'm staying up until it does.
It makes me sad though, that I'm not really like other people in that matter. I can't just wish to do well in a class or know exactly how to study for a class I don't really understand. I wish I could control myself, so I could get the things I want out of myself. Like when you squeeze a orange or lemon or whatever, and all the lemon juice tripples out. You know what squeezing the lemon will do, so you do it because you want to see the consequences for yourself.
Life is weird. Maybe things will be different one day. I'll be friends with the cool people I want to be friends with and all that shnazz. Maybe. I can't tell.
***
After Finals: Books to Read
The Mysterious Theft of Mona Lisa
The False Prince
The Storytelling Animal: How Stories Make Us Human.
We practice control. We need control. We need control over how the rest of our lives pan out because if we don't, we're letting our lives go wherever, and often times that means no where. We study on our finals to get the futures we want, and workworkwork in order to get grades, ignoring our fun distractions in pursuit of that A and acceptance letter.
If you knew me in AP Euro, you will remember that I was one of those kids. The bright, seemingly always funny and talkative members of the class, a true class participant to say the least. The teacher would make fun of me, as he did to all his favorite students, and I would do stupid things (mostly by accident) like say "cat" during a free association game when the prompt was "door" and be typecast as the crazy/out there roles during our projects, those little things. But I don't think anyone in my class noticed this, but the more outlandish and self-deprecating I was, the more tolerant I was of people making fun of me, the worse my grades were.
Not in AP Euro, but in general. For me, sophomore year was a time of trying to be happy, living in the moment or whatever. It was my happiest year with my worst grades. I didn't care because it didn't feel that important, college felt so distant and irrelevent, and why the heck should I care? It doesn't make a difference, right? There was little innovation that year, no great and sudden changes or creations, not like now or anything. I had no real commitments to anything. All my friends except for three were fleeting, people who only talked to me when we had the same lunch or class period. I was fine with it, because I thought things were okay. When my grades got bad, I distracted myself by being the class jester in the few classes that the teachers did encourage that kind of behavior, the teachers that didn't mind poking fun of what was strange or unfamiliar because it was strange and unfamiliar to them. I hated it, but tolerated it. Most people from those classes still think I'm smart, that I'm funny and bright and interesting. It's really not that simple.
We want control because, in the end, it's what we don't really have given to us. Every decision is unconscious or unaware of the implications, unaware of what we really want because we can't see past what's in front of us or can't see in that direction at all. We have control, more power than we're ever aware of, but most of us don't know how to fully harness it. We don't know how to do exactly the things we need to do to get the things we want, or to realize when we're working for something that we don't really want that thing at all. It's hard to realize, especially when you feel like you're drowning in a sandpit and you just have to keep going, going and going because one day this semester will end and everything will make sense. That's what I thought, and believed. I wish things were different. I wish I could be like the peers in my two AP classes that work hardhard because they know what they want, and they're constantly creating and acting to make it happen, already knee deep in what they want to do or make with their lives whether it be journalism or acting or writing. I wish I was like that.
I'm supposed to be studying for Physics, but my teacher's website isn't working when it needs to work, and it has everything on it so I can't practice and review until it works. I'm staying up until it does.
It makes me sad though, that I'm not really like other people in that matter. I can't just wish to do well in a class or know exactly how to study for a class I don't really understand. I wish I could control myself, so I could get the things I want out of myself. Like when you squeeze a orange or lemon or whatever, and all the lemon juice tripples out. You know what squeezing the lemon will do, so you do it because you want to see the consequences for yourself.
Life is weird. Maybe things will be different one day. I'll be friends with the cool people I want to be friends with and all that shnazz. Maybe. I can't tell.
***
After Finals: Books to Read
The Mysterious Theft of Mona Lisa
The False Prince
The Storytelling Animal: How Stories Make Us Human.
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