Doing Things (By Yourself?)

God forbid, I write a post that's not about me. (mostly)
This is about everyone that's helped me get me to the point where I am now (and in a good way).
It's hard to remember on a consistent basis that I would not be in the position I am now without the countless support and selflessness of the people within my family, or my friends.
I also cannot say that I would be where I am now without my parent's wealth or insistence that I be above my peers in academic excellence.
Think about it. Parents pay for our education and screw ups, raise us as helpless infants, tolerate our annoying cries in the middle of the night and selfish whinings as tweens and teenagers.
Parents are the reason we're alive and successful the way we are, the reason we're ambitious and look ahead instead of around us.
Granted, our parents didn't make us become these things. We could have chosen not to be. But they made being these good things an appealing and available option. Money can't do everything for you, but it can open doors you didn't know could be opened.
With the wrong set of parents or friends, we could see education or selflessness or intellectualism as something beneath our attention, and end up focusing on things that aren't worth anyone's time.
Our parents and schools opened doors for us that we didn't even realize needed to be opened until it was too late. Thankfully, they were there for us to notice when we didn't or couldn't. The same can't be said for everyone.
The things most of us have done are mostly reactionary, or so I fear. We don't make our own opportunities, but check out the ones in front of us. I think of school clubs and organizations and programs when I say this, and I fear that the only reason we have access to these things is because of our privilege than whether we actually deserve them.
I'm just worried that one day the opportunities to do what we want with our lives won't be in front of us, and in the face of that limitless emptiness, we won't do anything at all without it being handed to us or taught to do it. I fear that without English classes we wouldn't write essays in our spare time, or read about History or brush up on Foreign Language. I fear that our education is seen as something as the basis for the rest of our life instead of just the beginning of a long-life accumulation of knowledge. I don't want to stop learning and doing things, but I don't want to be helpless without a structure to do those things.
Does any of this make sense? Probably not

Of Expectations

I worked really hard this semester, and got most of the grades I wanted. Granted, not everything was straight A's, but that was mostly because of screwing up opportunities first quarter. I did well on my finals, achieving my big three goals, and hitting that coveted GPA that I've been aiming for this semester. I freaked and excitement, fistpumping in AP Lang when Mr. F put up my grade for the semester. I got it. I won. I should be happy, right?
When I got home, I read a tweet hashtagged with #IGoToASchoolWhere that said, I quote "no matter how hard you work, you will never be at top. because that's central and I've never seen this competition before." I didn't doubt the validity of this quote so much as blow it off, thinking about how hard I worked and how that made me on the same level as my peers that were just finishing their NHS applications. Because now I was above and beyond the GPA required for that club, when last year I wasn't. So that was pride enough for me. Then I went to ACT prep.
In that class are two East Asian (Being Arab, I am West Asian/Middle Eastern), rather intelligent students that I have seen around in a few of my classes. Having no real friends in ACT prep, and curious, I sat behind them. During our designated breaks, they talked. I tried to join in, but I was mostly put off to the side. So, as I stumbled through the Science guidance questions, I listened to their conversation. They brought up the ACT, and scores. That's when the trouble began.
"Oh, I did so terrible, I got a 30 on my first try!" The other girl hissed, reciprocating her feelings. "The Science part was so hard, I got like a 28 in that section!" Behind her, my metaphorical jaw dropped, but I kept listening. They started talking about NHS applications and how they needed to finish the Leadership piece and there was more talk about Physics Honors grades and all that stuff, and my head started swimming with the realization that  I was so, so behind compared to my peers. I was going to be in all AP and honors classes next year (with the possible exception of Economics) and taking Early Bird as a likely possibility, but it still wouldn't be enough. To these people, I still didn't mean anything until I was equal to them completely. I'll always be nothing until I'm something. I just don't know when the race ends and I can finally declare myself a winner in their eyes.
I don't know what to say really, except that my victory is still a victory, but that tweet was righter than I gave it credit for. Thank God, sincerely and honestly, for helping me the most during my finals when I really needed to do well as being the tipping point for the big grades I needed, but now I feel like I should be dissatisfied with what I have and fight even more viciously for more, just to keep level with my peers. I'm already significantly behind, my gut tells me, and I have alot to do before they'll ever consider me their equal, or their friend.
Just something to think about the day of the second semester.