Things Anymore

I really don't.
All my conversations with people are small talk now. Really. Nothing serious and nothing real.
It's driving me insane.
I don't know how to talk even, how to be real. To say the things I want or even know what I want. I don't.
I wish I weren't so angsty.
On that note, I wish I could make a fucking music video without not knowing what to do. I had an idea and it fell apart. I had another idea and it fell apart. All my ideas fell apart and the ones I have now for it are flimsy things that I don't even film properly.
I don't even let myself dream anymore, you know? I stopped expecting things awhile ago. I just hope for certain grades and certain things to happen, but I'm not really "the hero" of my own story anymore.
On figment.com, there's this writing contest for seniors that has this prompt "How does this quote relate to the journey of the characters in “Out of the Easy” and also to your personal journey as you prepare for college? Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show. — Charles Dickens"
I haven't read either book, so I wouldn't know and plus, I'm not a senior. But there's this other thing in that I don't think I am the hero anymore. I don't know how to be. Does that make sense?
It's like, I've always been weirdly fascinated by the whole hero thing, what it means to be one. I wanted to write a novel about it.
That's the thing, wanted. And then I stopped wanting to.  I would like for it to existence and I daydream about it, but I'm not consciously DOING anything to make it happen. I've become super passive aggressive. That's funny.
I don't believe my dreams will come true, so I stop working for them, and I become like this. Numb and apathetic.
Fun.