Passive Aggressiveness

I read this post and was like "Cool! Someone says something relevent and interesting about something I care about!"
And then I thought "Wait, there's something wrong. Not in the writing, but the attitude."
Then I remembered what happened in school today.
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I'm in Digital Video Production (AKA DVP). It's a class for more popular people to socialize, and its not hard to get a good grade. You're basically given free reign and a due date. Silent film. Film trailer.
Music video.
At first, I had a brilliant plan. It involved a banana costume and everything. (Yes, I had a good reason). It was going to be splendid, and then...well, I couldn't get a banana costume. And the gorilla costume had disappeared from my acquaintance's house.
I struggled for days trying to come up with a new idea, or even trying to film something. I was a nervous wreck, almost crying almost 9/10 minutes in that class.
The kids in that class are not mean. They might be popular or talk about things I don't know about, but they aren't mean. A few of them are exceptionally nice.
They offered to help me, and I sorta shook my head and stared at the ground and avoided eye contact. They wanted to help, but I didn't know how to let them help me. I didn't know what to do at all, and I felt stupid with them in front of me without me being able to do anything. I was the most passive aggressive person ever.
Now, these people are nice, but they aren't the type that try to make EVERYDAY FUN AND EXCITING AND OH MY GOD. They aren't the type my group of friends (hahahah jk I mean the few diaspora I have out there) would ever really associate with. These people go to parties and probably drink and etc etc. I don't judge, but I didn't expect them to be so not-judgey. I haven't gone out of my way to do something for them and they haven't told me any exceptional secrets. They've just kinda accepted me and helped me with some of my problems.
That said, I'm not in their social group and I don't gossip with them and etc etc. But, honestly, the people I associate with (or in an imaginary world, would associate with) wouldn't give a rat's ass about me in this situation. They would absorbed in their own lives and that of their close friends and don't talk to anybody else. They only talks to what interests them.
So when I felt that passive-aggressiveness hit me over and over this week, I wasn't pinholed by the people around me. They implicitly tolerated and accepted me for it, and helped me get out of that mindset so I could change my song and get over my fear to do something else. Without that support, I wouldn't have been able to do it. I would have been stuck in the stream of worry and anxiety and helplessness. It took me four days to get to that point, but the point is I got to that point when, in another situation or class (I can think of Chemistry Honors sophomore year when I say this), I would never have gotten out dignified. I can't predict that this will go smoothly or the filming this weekend will work out, but I'll do it (with God's will). And that's a hell of a lot more than what I thought yesterday.
So the question isn't if someone who feels passive aggressiveness WANTS to do it. They want it just as badly as anyone, and given free reign, would climb over Hell to get it. They just don't believe its worth it, or they're worth it. They don't believe that they should feel a certain way or should do a certain thing. They think their own beliefs and desires are worthless. And the only way to help them out of it is to help them remember and remind them that they aren't. Does that make sense?
One of the most popular girls in the senior class helped remind me of that when, in the beginning of the semester, nobody else did. I'm grateful for that.
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So if someone's feeling like that? The best thing you can do for them is not condescendingly remind them that it isn't true, that it's okay to screw up and change things. It's okay to tell Mr. Russo that you need help and you don't know what to do. That it's okay.
Really.

Things Anymore

I really don't.
All my conversations with people are small talk now. Really. Nothing serious and nothing real.
It's driving me insane.
I don't know how to talk even, how to be real. To say the things I want or even know what I want. I don't.
I wish I weren't so angsty.
On that note, I wish I could make a fucking music video without not knowing what to do. I had an idea and it fell apart. I had another idea and it fell apart. All my ideas fell apart and the ones I have now for it are flimsy things that I don't even film properly.
I don't even let myself dream anymore, you know? I stopped expecting things awhile ago. I just hope for certain grades and certain things to happen, but I'm not really "the hero" of my own story anymore.
On figment.com, there's this writing contest for seniors that has this prompt "How does this quote relate to the journey of the characters in “Out of the Easy” and also to your personal journey as you prepare for college? Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show. — Charles Dickens"
I haven't read either book, so I wouldn't know and plus, I'm not a senior. But there's this other thing in that I don't think I am the hero anymore. I don't know how to be. Does that make sense?
It's like, I've always been weirdly fascinated by the whole hero thing, what it means to be one. I wanted to write a novel about it.
That's the thing, wanted. And then I stopped wanting to.  I would like for it to existence and I daydream about it, but I'm not consciously DOING anything to make it happen. I've become super passive aggressive. That's funny.
I don't believe my dreams will come true, so I stop working for them, and I become like this. Numb and apathetic.
Fun.

I Feel Like Alot Has Changed This Year

Usually, I like to look at the past nostagically and think "Wow, things have changed," with a self-satisfied smirk.
This year they really have changed though.
I don't say that with the self-satisfied smirk that I used to. I'm not comparing the person I am to the person I was and viewing her with contempt.
But I do see a difference.
Even rereading my old posts, I see someone who wanted to impress people and be happy. I saw someone who wanted to figure it all out.
I don't feel that way anymore.
I'm more ambitious than before, but I'm not as "hungry," if that makes sense.
It's weird, but I'm glad it happened.
It's as if all those things that happened this year made me better without me ever realizing it.
Like, those flaws I had are still there, but they don't matter as much.
I don't think this is bullshit, and I don't think I've morphed into some butterfly who is badass and strong. But I don't know, the same things that nagged me at night and drove me to write posts don't bother me as much anymore.
So what if I don't have that many friends. So what if I don't know about anything that goes on in the school. So what.
Things change and get better and its a waste of time to wallow over the past when the future is still in front of you.
I don't know, that's what I think.

Words and the Internet

I don't use Instagram. I've always avoided it. This post brings out an excellent reason why.
But I don't agree with the post, especially not in the belief that "But when it comes to words and writing, technology seems to fail on every single front."
That's false.
Twitter is the reason I know about so many things involving the things and people I care about, even from a distance. Twitter is the reason I love the Mortal Instruments more ardently than without it, and Twitter is the reason I'm now friends with people that were just acquaintances before. Twitter is how I express myself in sentences without any of the in-context fumbling of real life. It shows the way I want to be seen. I like Twitter.
If not Twitter, then you could complain texting. I can't text. I suck at it. Nobody texts me, and if they do, the conversation is awkward and heartrate-inducing as I try to say the right things without knowing the context.
Gmail is the reason why I'm best friends with somebody who could have been simply "another" friend, how I can communicate what I mean and how I mean it without the pretenses real life puts between us.
Tumblr doesn't use words as nearly as much, but a thousand words conjured and posted on Tumblr as quotes, stupidly funny text posts, or simple fangirling bring me closer to people than I ever was before.
I don't mean to sound like a total loser, but without the Internet, I'd be a much worse writer.
And let's not forget that this blog is the product of writing and technology. And I love this blog, no matter how angst ridden it is.
So no, I disagree whole-heartedly. Both the Internet and books provide the words I need to feel okay sometimes, and make me the better person I want to be. They give me opportunities to learn and understand people and things that I only saw from afar before. I owe words, and thus technology, quite a lot.
Thanks for understanding

The Go-Getters

Renegades. Heroes. Some call them badasses, but that depends on your definition of badass.
They're the heroes of the books that we really, really like. The ones that really, desperately want something and will fight for it, but are naive enough to believe that there's more to life than the mundane 'get what you want' without consequences.
I call them the Go-Getters. Because they run after they want and keep running until they have it, or become good enough people to realize they don't need it anymore.
I can think of a dozen examples, most of them boys. In fact, someone in my AP Lang class asked me why all my "babies" (as I like to call most of these characters) are boys.
I don't like that.
I can vividly think of only two or three examples of characters that defy it, but even they are disappointing. They lack that hopeful chauvinism that defines so many great characters. They are badass, but quickly fall into the trap that I-am-too-cool-for-this attitude that never manages to disappoint me.
I want to write a novel about this kind of girl, and she's already in my head. That isn't the news.
The news is that I used to be this kind of person but I'm too lacking in courage and pride to be anymore. I wish I were this type of person.
That's why I read so much about them.
(If anyone cares, I'm thinking of characters like Edward Elric, Augustus Waters, Jace Wayland, Rose Hathaway, etc etc. I don't think anybody really cares though. That's the thing about this post. People will read it and then return to their tumult filled lives, not a thing changed. I say this knowing that few will notice or bother to read this footnote, but hoping that maybe someone will for the better. So I post this note anyways, hoping.)