God forbid, I write a post that's not about me. (mostly)
This is about everyone that's helped me get me to the point where I am now (and in a good way).
It's hard to remember on a consistent basis that I would not be in the position I am now without the countless support and selflessness of the people within my family, or my friends.
I also cannot say that I would be where I am now without my parent's wealth or insistence that I be above my peers in academic excellence.
Think about it. Parents pay for our education and screw ups, raise us as helpless infants, tolerate our annoying cries in the middle of the night and selfish whinings as tweens and teenagers.
Parents are the reason we're alive and successful the way we are, the reason we're ambitious and look ahead instead of around us.
Granted, our parents didn't make us become these things. We could have chosen not to be. But they made being these good things an appealing and available option. Money can't do everything for you, but it can open doors you didn't know could be opened.
With the wrong set of parents or friends, we could see education or selflessness or intellectualism as something beneath our attention, and end up focusing on things that aren't worth anyone's time.
Our parents and schools opened doors for us that we didn't even realize needed to be opened until it was too late. Thankfully, they were there for us to notice when we didn't or couldn't. The same can't be said for everyone.
The things most of us have done are mostly reactionary, or so I fear. We don't make our own opportunities, but check out the ones in front of us. I think of school clubs and organizations and programs when I say this, and I fear that the only reason we have access to these things is because of our privilege than whether we actually deserve them.
I'm just worried that one day the opportunities to do what we want with our lives won't be in front of us, and in the face of that limitless emptiness, we won't do anything at all without it being handed to us or taught to do it. I fear that without English classes we wouldn't write essays in our spare time, or read about History or brush up on Foreign Language. I fear that our education is seen as something as the basis for the rest of our life instead of just the beginning of a long-life accumulation of knowledge. I don't want to stop learning and doing things, but I don't want to be helpless without a structure to do those things.
Does any of this make sense? Probably not
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Saturday, February 23, 2013
To The Fullest.
Sometimes, I feel dead.
For me, that means either of two things.
1) Everything is so boring. Nothing matters and I don't feel anything.
2) Everything hurts when I care, so I'm going to flow through and just keep swimming, and not care anymore.
Right now, my gut is telling me the former.
-
The last semester of the last two years tended to be bad for me. The classes I did the worst in would climax in their difficulty and I wouldn't be able to keep up because of my inability to study or understand what was happening in class, tests appeared in more concentration and I did worse on them, and I would stay up all night "studying" and wake up not knowing much more than before.
This year; it seems like its different. The sun is shining more, and I'm sort of knowing what I'm doing. But emotionally, I'm the polar opposite of what I used to be.
-
Back in those days, I would tell myself that I was "just living" as a comfort to myself. Back then, I didn't really understand what that meant, but it made sense.
I understand now.
I flowed from day to day, not doing much except being and talking and reacting to whatever was happening in the day. I was reacting, not doing, and thus I was doing badly. I wasn't living the life I wanted to live, but I would tell myself that I just had to survive the semester and then I would be free from it.
Those wishes did come through. The semester would end and bring summer, breaking in a time filled with opportunity and learning for me that I did on my own.
I love summers and three day weekends because they give you time to regain control of yourself and do what you want instead of "just living."
I'm really worried that I'm doing that again.
I don't want to "just live." I want to be alive and do things living people do, not sit around and survive what's in front of me. I want to do what I want to do, study what I want to do, make my life instead of forming it around what's around me
-
I haven't written in this blog in a while because I had nothing interesting to write about, because I was falling to that mentality again. There's nothing interesting about what happens on a day to day basis, what happens when the only things on your mind are the events of the day.
I want to be alive, whatever it takes. I want to make decisions, not have them made for me, or make them as a response to an obstacle in front of me.
-
This is a rather idealistic post. But I need this idealism if I want to escape the crutch I've lived under the last two years. I won't let it happen again, I won't let my momentum die out because of fear or apathy or anything.
Here's hoping it works.
For me, that means either of two things.
1) Everything is so boring. Nothing matters and I don't feel anything.
2) Everything hurts when I care, so I'm going to flow through and just keep swimming, and not care anymore.
Right now, my gut is telling me the former.
-
The last semester of the last two years tended to be bad for me. The classes I did the worst in would climax in their difficulty and I wouldn't be able to keep up because of my inability to study or understand what was happening in class, tests appeared in more concentration and I did worse on them, and I would stay up all night "studying" and wake up not knowing much more than before.
This year; it seems like its different. The sun is shining more, and I'm sort of knowing what I'm doing. But emotionally, I'm the polar opposite of what I used to be.
-
Back in those days, I would tell myself that I was "just living" as a comfort to myself. Back then, I didn't really understand what that meant, but it made sense.
I understand now.
I flowed from day to day, not doing much except being and talking and reacting to whatever was happening in the day. I was reacting, not doing, and thus I was doing badly. I wasn't living the life I wanted to live, but I would tell myself that I just had to survive the semester and then I would be free from it.
Those wishes did come through. The semester would end and bring summer, breaking in a time filled with opportunity and learning for me that I did on my own.
I love summers and three day weekends because they give you time to regain control of yourself and do what you want instead of "just living."
I'm really worried that I'm doing that again.
I don't want to "just live." I want to be alive and do things living people do, not sit around and survive what's in front of me. I want to do what I want to do, study what I want to do, make my life instead of forming it around what's around me
-
I haven't written in this blog in a while because I had nothing interesting to write about, because I was falling to that mentality again. There's nothing interesting about what happens on a day to day basis, what happens when the only things on your mind are the events of the day.
I want to be alive, whatever it takes. I want to make decisions, not have them made for me, or make them as a response to an obstacle in front of me.
-
This is a rather idealistic post. But I need this idealism if I want to escape the crutch I've lived under the last two years. I won't let it happen again, I won't let my momentum die out because of fear or apathy or anything.
Here's hoping it works.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Wondering Where I've been and Poetry
Easy. Researching and planning my six page essay on people's perception of evil.
That's it.
It's complicated messy work in which I constantly question what I'm researching, why I'm researching it, is the topic I'm doing actually good and if so, if I should revise and etc etc.
I think I've reached the point where I'm going to keep my topic. I jumped from Sailor Moon to the role of evil in literature to public perception of evil.
Obviously, I have a questionable interest in children's tv shows and evil, but whatever.
The angst surrounding the annotated bibliography was ridiculous and hard and my heart was breaking, but I managed and now I'm on the right track. I think.
There's this great poet I found accidentally by researching for this essay.
Here's one of his poems. (And another after it)
Unde Malum
Where does evil come from?
It comes
from man
always from man
to man
- Tadeusz Rozewicz
Alas, dear Tadeusz,
good nature and wicked man
are romantic inventions
you show us this way
the depth of your optimism
so let man exterminate
his own species
the innocent sunrise will illuminate
a liberated flora and fauna
where oak forests reclaim
the postindustrial wasteland
and the blood of a deer
torn asunder by a pack of wolves
is not seen by anyone
a hawk falls upon a hare
without witness
evil disappears from the world
and consciousness with it
Of course, dear Tadeusz,
evil (and good) comes from man.
-
Rays of Dazzling Light
Light off metal shaken,
Lucid dew of heaven,
Bless each and every one
To whom the earth is given
Its essence was always hidden
Behind a distant curtain
We chased it all our lives
Bidden and unbidden
Knowing the hunt will end,
then that what had been rent
would be at last made whole:
poor body and the soul
-
The poet's name is Czeslaw Milosz. Who knew my research will help me find a poet that I actually like?*
That's it.
It's complicated messy work in which I constantly question what I'm researching, why I'm researching it, is the topic I'm doing actually good and if so, if I should revise and etc etc.
I think I've reached the point where I'm going to keep my topic. I jumped from Sailor Moon to the role of evil in literature to public perception of evil.
Obviously, I have a questionable interest in children's tv shows and evil, but whatever.
The angst surrounding the annotated bibliography was ridiculous and hard and my heart was breaking, but I managed and now I'm on the right track. I think.
There's this great poet I found accidentally by researching for this essay.
Here's one of his poems. (And another after it)
Unde Malum
Where does evil come from?
It comes
from man
always from man
to man
- Tadeusz Rozewicz
Alas, dear Tadeusz,
good nature and wicked man
are romantic inventions
you show us this way
the depth of your optimism
so let man exterminate
his own species
the innocent sunrise will illuminate
a liberated flora and fauna
where oak forests reclaim
the postindustrial wasteland
and the blood of a deer
torn asunder by a pack of wolves
is not seen by anyone
a hawk falls upon a hare
without witness
evil disappears from the world
and consciousness with it
Of course, dear Tadeusz,
evil (and good) comes from man.
-
Rays of Dazzling Light
Light off metal shaken,
Lucid dew of heaven,
Bless each and every one
To whom the earth is given
Its essence was always hidden
Behind a distant curtain
We chased it all our lives
Bidden and unbidden
Knowing the hunt will end,
then that what had been rent
would be at last made whole:
poor body and the soul
-
The poet's name is Czeslaw Milosz. Who knew my research will help me find a poet that I actually like?*
Monday, February 11, 2013
The "Too Cool Kids"
It's bullshit. The whole "Queen Bees" mythos is such a joke. Not because that the elitism or the "brattiness" doesn't exist in real life, (Oh, but it does) but because it isn't as simply hiearchal as the media likes to play it up to be.
There is one large social group that is filled with people that go to the same parties and hook up with one another and smoke pot and etc etc, or the people that are at least well aware of these happenings. Granted, these are the kids that hear that rumor going around or the ones that are spreading it, the main audience for a majority of the "high school" drama that isn't directly related to school.
The wide majority of kids don't belong in this group, but the most vocal and "popular" members of each class are. Most kids have their own social group, containing their own dramas and gossip and information that the first group wouldn't care less about. These groups get smaller and smaller as you go down the list until you're looking at two best friends hanging on to each other for dear life, and those few unlucky kids without any real friends at all.
These groups are always bonded together by something, whether it be a similar set of beliefs/knowledge, a long history, a shared sport or extracurricular activity, etc. These groups mingle and merge and many people can be a part of more than one. The more well-liked or vocal you are, the more influence you have within these groups, even of those people you don't directly know because they've heard you in class or seen you in the assembly.
There are no Queen Bees, but there are people who act like it, and people in that social class/group. And they get judged.
They get judged by those who don't want to be a part of that group where hooking up is something casual instead of scandalous, and socializing is more important than grades.
I am not one of these people, no way in hell. I don't believe in that, and I wouldn't dare let my kids or my friends start doing that.
But the stereotype is starting to piss me off.
Sure, some of them seem "slutty" or "bitchy" and that kind of thing, but once you get past that (if ever), you start to see individuals, people liking certain things and being different from their peers in their own way. Some of them will still be shallow and cruel and vindictive, but you start to see them as more than the stereotype that can be assumed by their seemingly shallow conversations.
I have started feeling particularly defensive about this because I used to assume these stereotypes. I didn't even know I relied on these stereotypes as judgement until I met a few people that transcended it.
What's more terrifying about this stereotype is that we don't know how these people live their lives, or how they've been taught to live their lives. We don't know what hell they've been through (and we all have seen our own hells, even as you jerk your head towards their seemingly shallow banter in class) or what terrible things they've seen or even what beautiful things they've done. We don't know.
All we know is the stereotype, the ones that colors our lenses so fully that we can't see them in any other way.
At least, until we make ourselves.
(A somewhat patronizing rant, I know. Forgive me. It's been brewing in my head for awhile. Also, I continued to use the phrase "Them" because I didn't want to start going by individuals, and it's easier, at least for the sake of this essay, to go by that label. I wouldn't suggest thinking that way after this post.)
There is one large social group that is filled with people that go to the same parties and hook up with one another and smoke pot and etc etc, or the people that are at least well aware of these happenings. Granted, these are the kids that hear that rumor going around or the ones that are spreading it, the main audience for a majority of the "high school" drama that isn't directly related to school.
The wide majority of kids don't belong in this group, but the most vocal and "popular" members of each class are. Most kids have their own social group, containing their own dramas and gossip and information that the first group wouldn't care less about. These groups get smaller and smaller as you go down the list until you're looking at two best friends hanging on to each other for dear life, and those few unlucky kids without any real friends at all.
These groups are always bonded together by something, whether it be a similar set of beliefs/knowledge, a long history, a shared sport or extracurricular activity, etc. These groups mingle and merge and many people can be a part of more than one. The more well-liked or vocal you are, the more influence you have within these groups, even of those people you don't directly know because they've heard you in class or seen you in the assembly.
There are no Queen Bees, but there are people who act like it, and people in that social class/group. And they get judged.
They get judged by those who don't want to be a part of that group where hooking up is something casual instead of scandalous, and socializing is more important than grades.
I am not one of these people, no way in hell. I don't believe in that, and I wouldn't dare let my kids or my friends start doing that.
But the stereotype is starting to piss me off.
Sure, some of them seem "slutty" or "bitchy" and that kind of thing, but once you get past that (if ever), you start to see individuals, people liking certain things and being different from their peers in their own way. Some of them will still be shallow and cruel and vindictive, but you start to see them as more than the stereotype that can be assumed by their seemingly shallow conversations.
I have started feeling particularly defensive about this because I used to assume these stereotypes. I didn't even know I relied on these stereotypes as judgement until I met a few people that transcended it.
What's more terrifying about this stereotype is that we don't know how these people live their lives, or how they've been taught to live their lives. We don't know what hell they've been through (and we all have seen our own hells, even as you jerk your head towards their seemingly shallow banter in class) or what terrible things they've seen or even what beautiful things they've done. We don't know.
All we know is the stereotype, the ones that colors our lenses so fully that we can't see them in any other way.
At least, until we make ourselves.
(A somewhat patronizing rant, I know. Forgive me. It's been brewing in my head for awhile. Also, I continued to use the phrase "Them" because I didn't want to start going by individuals, and it's easier, at least for the sake of this essay, to go by that label. I wouldn't suggest thinking that way after this post.)
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Control
I have a thing for control. I don't write posts unless I have a feeling of what I want to write about, I don't pray five times a day because it feels controlling, I don't like being told what to do without knowing that I have to do it. I don't like being pushed around or ordered around. I hate it. I control myself.
I control myself because I don't trust my instinct to be right most of the time, that my inclinations are usually considered dangerous. I would rather someone think I'm crazy and I know it than have no idea what someone thinks of me. Natural is hard. I know (or at least have a good idea) how interpret my behavior in the classes I really like, and when I'm in those classes, I'm not acting. It's just, I can't stand the idea that one day someone will make me look stupid and vulnerable and I'll have no control over it. I modify my behavior based off the people around me, or rather, my behavior changes when I'm around certain people. And I would hate if that purported behavior was undermined by something out of control. For example, I get more mortified when I ruin the image I'm trying to create than when I actually make myself look bad. Each for its own audience.
I talk about myself. Alot alot alot. I just don't have many anecdotes to share, or rather, I need to make this insecure apparent so I can get rid of it. Some blog posts are actually interesting, some are self-centered (most are). Hope that hasn't bothered ya'll.
I control myself because I don't trust my instinct to be right most of the time, that my inclinations are usually considered dangerous. I would rather someone think I'm crazy and I know it than have no idea what someone thinks of me. Natural is hard. I know (or at least have a good idea) how interpret my behavior in the classes I really like, and when I'm in those classes, I'm not acting. It's just, I can't stand the idea that one day someone will make me look stupid and vulnerable and I'll have no control over it. I modify my behavior based off the people around me, or rather, my behavior changes when I'm around certain people. And I would hate if that purported behavior was undermined by something out of control. For example, I get more mortified when I ruin the image I'm trying to create than when I actually make myself look bad. Each for its own audience.
I talk about myself. Alot alot alot. I just don't have many anecdotes to share, or rather, I need to make this insecure apparent so I can get rid of it. Some blog posts are actually interesting, some are self-centered (most are). Hope that hasn't bothered ya'll.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Updates
I haven't abandoned this blog, I swear. It's just, I only write posts when I feel like there is something that I should say that hasn't been said already, that I can bring to light something that I feel like is original, at least to myself. I don't like talking to much, or I start repeating myself. So I wait for the right mode of thought to come along and then I'll type away my little analyses of life and what not.
Maybe tomorrow I'll ramble about something. Whatever, I'll be writing something tomorrow. You'll see. (I think) :)
Maybe tomorrow I'll ramble about something. Whatever, I'll be writing something tomorrow. You'll see. (I think) :)
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Imitation: Another one of my elaborate rambling responses
At first, I was going to write a post about how much has changed in the last couple of years and how my brain was weird about organizing my memories and blahblahblah but I didn't feel like writing it because I didn't really know what I was talking about. And I only like to ramble when I know what I'm talking about, when I can label things and it all makes sense in the logos of my conscious mind.
More on that later.
The night went on, did some homework, and checked my Blogger profile. I found this lovely little post, and I was like "You know, I'm going to write in response to it."
So I shall.
Now, I haven't read Walden. You can blame me not getting into ELA until third quarter of 8th grade as the cause, but whatever. I'd always thought of it as a pretentious transcendentalist book because that's what my peers said about it. Considering I have way way too many books to read, I was like "You know, I think I'll pass."
So now I read this post and I go "Wow, should have read it. Nice one world."
The world and people around us give us the wrong impressions of things because it's the way it impacted them, and you're not going to be impacted the same way by something as the majority of the world. Your thoughts might be similar, but they are not the same. There's a key difference.
There are a cost to saying the wrong things the wrong way. There is a cost to saying that you don't think that Rebecca Black is not that bad of a person and that she has a rocking Tumblr because people are going to be like "Uhhh, I disagree, and therefore I don't like you." People do that. People judge things that aren't like them because of different values, and that's okay. Most of the time.
Things get bad when people judge and don't care how they go about handing their disapproval. There is a very costly pain associated with disapproval. Disapproval means some people don't want to hang out with you. You lose people you want to be with (friends or relationship or whatever wise). You want to be the kid that everyone likes, and by expressing your opinion, you drive people away.
If you aren't honest, you never meet the people who would give a shit about you if they really knew who you were. By being yourself (if that makes sense) and like, participating in life, people will want to be with you because they might like how you participate in life. And it's usually the most unlikely people.
So I don't think imitation is great. And yet, imitation is the reason our society is (relatively) stable. We do the things we do to keep the machine running so that we don't suffer when it screws up. Granted, alot of us DO suffer and will suffer regardless of if the machine is working properly or not, but it's a predictable suffering with an easily definable cause and effect. If you are this way, change, and you will fit in the machine and you will not suffer. This works best for those born into wealthy, well-off families, but nobody likes living in a society where nothing is predictable. Machines may have faults, but they are not nearly as chaotic as nature. (If you're interested in learning more about this, watch this)
More on that later.
The night went on, did some homework, and checked my Blogger profile. I found this lovely little post, and I was like "You know, I'm going to write in response to it."
So I shall.
Now, I haven't read Walden. You can blame me not getting into ELA until third quarter of 8th grade as the cause, but whatever. I'd always thought of it as a pretentious transcendentalist book because that's what my peers said about it. Considering I have way way too many books to read, I was like "You know, I think I'll pass."
So now I read this post and I go "Wow, should have read it. Nice one world."
The world and people around us give us the wrong impressions of things because it's the way it impacted them, and you're not going to be impacted the same way by something as the majority of the world. Your thoughts might be similar, but they are not the same. There's a key difference.
There are a cost to saying the wrong things the wrong way. There is a cost to saying that you don't think that Rebecca Black is not that bad of a person and that she has a rocking Tumblr because people are going to be like "Uhhh, I disagree, and therefore I don't like you." People do that. People judge things that aren't like them because of different values, and that's okay. Most of the time.
Things get bad when people judge and don't care how they go about handing their disapproval. There is a very costly pain associated with disapproval. Disapproval means some people don't want to hang out with you. You lose people you want to be with (friends or relationship or whatever wise). You want to be the kid that everyone likes, and by expressing your opinion, you drive people away.
If you aren't honest, you never meet the people who would give a shit about you if they really knew who you were. By being yourself (if that makes sense) and like, participating in life, people will want to be with you because they might like how you participate in life. And it's usually the most unlikely people.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
It's Really Easy To Hate People, But You Shouldn't (A mini-rant)
It's really easy to hate people, but you would have to be really stupid to do so.
From a purely self-centered perspective, hatred is easy. These people don't serve your needs or don't make you happy because they're too busy ignoring your or not giving you a chance or being stupid self-centered people.
But take a step back and then you realize that you are being a self-centered brat and that everyone has reasons for being what they are when they are.
So I suck it up most of the time because I get it, or at least try to. It's easy to lose that perspective, especially when people act bitchier than usual, or in better terms, bitchier than you expected. You're constantly trying to seem one way to them and its not working so you hate yourself so you push yourself harder and harder until you crack.
I've been brewing this in my unconscious for awhile, but I finally got it into words now. This post has been mentally planned for days, I just needed the right time to write it.
I don't think that the attitude of "If I'm nice to people, they'll like me and I'll be happy" is a good one, or a particularly a selfless one. It's a needy one that will always fail you because humans are fallible and will not meet your expectations no matter how consistent they seem. You can't count on other people to make you happy. You can only count on yourself for that (not as in YOU but you can't rely on fellow human beings for your happiness) Friends are there to be there for you, to have your back when you need it and understand you to some degree. Maybe they don't work out or maybe one of us screws thigns up or we don't see each other much anymore, but in the end, there's no good in resentment. I'm still disgusted by what some "friends" have done to others and myself, but honestly, there's alot more to life than that one person.
When I was sitting with The Sophomores (I'm just going to call them that) at lunch, one loner guy sat there alone, and slowly started to join our group until he was part of it. Sorta. Alot of my table sometimes ignored him or whatever, and one day in particular, he left the table suddenly with his iPod and left the few of us who were at lunch that day. And even though I was in a terrible, terrible mood that day (Let's just say things piled up badly that morning), I was thinking, "Wow, that's so stupid. You're not going to earn anyone's recognition by standing up and leaving. You're not justified." And I thought that knowing that I DID DO THAT in elementary school. It's a call for attention, and I'm realizing that that call for attention is limiting our own power. It's saying that "I need you" when you really don't, you just feel entitled to them as a human resource for your loneliness. It's bullshit. It's selfish. You're not a selfless person then when you give everything to make your friends happy, you're selfish because you expect that sentiment to be reciprocated when you're sad.
I don't know what you should do when your friends are sad. I'm not making claims. I have ideas, but nothing I can ramble about.
I just thought ya'll would like to know about this little development.
From a purely self-centered perspective, hatred is easy. These people don't serve your needs or don't make you happy because they're too busy ignoring your or not giving you a chance or being stupid self-centered people.
But take a step back and then you realize that you are being a self-centered brat and that everyone has reasons for being what they are when they are.
So I suck it up most of the time because I get it, or at least try to. It's easy to lose that perspective, especially when people act bitchier than usual, or in better terms, bitchier than you expected. You're constantly trying to seem one way to them and its not working so you hate yourself so you push yourself harder and harder until you crack.
I've been brewing this in my unconscious for awhile, but I finally got it into words now. This post has been mentally planned for days, I just needed the right time to write it.
I don't think that the attitude of "If I'm nice to people, they'll like me and I'll be happy" is a good one, or a particularly a selfless one. It's a needy one that will always fail you because humans are fallible and will not meet your expectations no matter how consistent they seem. You can't count on other people to make you happy. You can only count on yourself for that (not as in YOU but you can't rely on fellow human beings for your happiness) Friends are there to be there for you, to have your back when you need it and understand you to some degree. Maybe they don't work out or maybe one of us screws thigns up or we don't see each other much anymore, but in the end, there's no good in resentment. I'm still disgusted by what some "friends" have done to others and myself, but honestly, there's alot more to life than that one person.
When I was sitting with The Sophomores (I'm just going to call them that) at lunch, one loner guy sat there alone, and slowly started to join our group until he was part of it. Sorta. Alot of my table sometimes ignored him or whatever, and one day in particular, he left the table suddenly with his iPod and left the few of us who were at lunch that day. And even though I was in a terrible, terrible mood that day (Let's just say things piled up badly that morning), I was thinking, "Wow, that's so stupid. You're not going to earn anyone's recognition by standing up and leaving. You're not justified." And I thought that knowing that I DID DO THAT in elementary school. It's a call for attention, and I'm realizing that that call for attention is limiting our own power. It's saying that "I need you" when you really don't, you just feel entitled to them as a human resource for your loneliness. It's bullshit. It's selfish. You're not a selfless person then when you give everything to make your friends happy, you're selfish because you expect that sentiment to be reciprocated when you're sad.
I don't know what you should do when your friends are sad. I'm not making claims. I have ideas, but nothing I can ramble about.
I just thought ya'll would like to know about this little development.
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