Sunday, September 1, 2013

Wanting the impossible

Here's the thing about wanting the impossible.
It's not possible right now.
That's why you want it. Because it's not here right now, and waiting for it to happen is never going to work because it simply isn't possible.
You're job then is to make it possible,.
That's what makes it the integral part of like, any great story or life. Because you're fighting the odds to get what you want, which is pretty admirable.
I mean, Harry Potter and Rose Hathaway and even Bella Cullen have one thing in common: The things they want aren't easy to get. Voldemort is impossible to defeat, it's impossible to have a baby vampire, it's impossible to reverse the love of your life back to humanity after becoming (without their will) evil.
It's kind of crazy.
I guess that's why the Spectacular now is going to be such a good movie, but a not-so-great novel (which already exists).
The main character is too scared to dream, so he's obsessed with living in "the spectacular now". It doesn't get better in the end of the novel, but it's still a hell of a novel and I highly recommend it, but the point is that when I heard that the movie's screenplay writers were going to change the ending, I completely agreed.
It's not about loyalty to the story, but about what the reader is gonna get out of it.
If you're going to write a great story (like the Spec Now mostly is), you owe it to your reader that they can take something out of it so that they can move on in their life more confident.


Sunday, August 18, 2013

What I've been doing over the summer AKA THE TITS OF LIFE

I have a new philosophy about life.
It's called being derangedly optimistic.
Life isn't going to grab you by the neck and tell you that things get better. Life isn't going to just get better.
You have to make it better.
We all live pretty privileged lives, but we let tragedies drag us down and distract us from our dreams. We forget what it's like to be ourselves.
Honestly, it's a matter of perception.
I don't want to be the type that sees only the bad things, or the type that gets paralyzed if life doesn't 100% thumbs up what I want to do with my life.
Because guess what, life will never do that. Ever.
You have to make your life the way you want it to be, and fight for yourself.
Screw logic and trying to understand everything you do because you won't, ever. Stop convincing yourself that magically you'll get better and life will transform into a wonderful movie-like experience.
It'll get better by itself.
Try being alive for once. Really
Tl;dr Aggressively happy>passively sad
-
There's this really funny post on Tumblr that's like about "YOU HAVE TO GRAB LIFE BY ITS TITS and i know its really vulgar, but OMG I AGREE.
SO GO ON AND GRAB THE TITS OF LIFE MY FRIENDS.

Monday, July 22, 2013

A monologue about owning books and other thoughts from moi


It was missing for about two years and then I found out.
Actually, it was sitting on the green, small table next to my dad's couch in the basement, underneath a notebook and another book.
Keep in mind that once, I had been desperately seeking out this book, and then had to settle with the notion that I must have sold it or given it away.
I had no inkling that I would find it.
It reminds me of that line from the Order of the Phoenix movie when Harry looks up at Luna's shoes, her Converse shoes hanging by their laces as put their by bullies, having been lost for quite some time, and then his friend Luna says "Things we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end, if not always in the way we expect."
-
That reminds me, I've been rereading the Harry Potter series.
I don't know why really. I decided early September or October last year that I was going to freaking do it, one way or another, and then from there I slowly made the assumption that I would streak through them in the heat of summer. Every time I heard a blasted reference or read an amazing gif analysis on Tumblr, I reminded myself that I was going to read this series no matter what and finally remember everything that I needed to remember about the books that were once so dear to my heart.
They weren't that dear to my heart as much anymore. They were dear to my memory and my childhood, but present (at the time) 16 year old Danah hadn't reread (I "read" the series for the first time in 4th or 5th grade? So everything has been a reread since) any of the books in the series since the very last time she was in Syria, which was right before freshman year. I'd lugged three pound copies of the Deathly Hallows and the Half-blood prince, and risked (and received) a gigantic library fee only a few years earlier for bringing a library copy of the Order of the Phoenix with me.
But I had no bond with them, you know? High school changes you, alot, and you start thinking about other things and reading other things and you lose interest in a series you put alot of stake in.
So I decided to put a stake in them.
I didn't even pick them up purposefully at first. It was mid-July, I had nothing integral to do, and...I knew I should. So I pushed through every book, pushing past through Harry's adolescent years in a matter of days, and tolling through Harry's teenage years.
And boy, they reminded me of my own (still going) ones.
It's really freaking weird.
-
So I'm sitting in my bed, with two books I'd never really though I'd read together. One is a relic of my childhood, a book bought the day after its release (Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince) that's older than several of my cousins, and then there's the sleek, old copy of Looking For Alaska that I thought was gone but wasn't really gone, but hiding in my house this entire time.
-
It's strange how books start to have their own appearance to you. You love a book long enough, and you start to see that copy of the book, that bundle of pages in your hands, as something other than the countless editions you find in Barnes and Noble or you find online.
Which is why I'll never buy a new edition of the Fault In Our Stars. My copy might be temporarily lost, out on the outskirts and hopefully returning to me because of a bad lend, but hopefully it'll come back. Because that edition, torn and ugly and not as sleek as it was at the start, is still my bright blue book that I got signed by the author. It's still my book.
-
Yeah.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

A Girl (Fiction/First Short Story On This Blog So Woop Woop)

Once upon a time, there was a little girl.
This girl loved loved books. She lived for books. She lived to live in books, to come alive and become a princess or a magical warrior or something. She lived for those words that could make her come alive and become the super secret badass that she really believed she was.
This little girl loved books because they were her home when nobody else was. She knew the lives of the characters more than she knew the lives of the bare acquaintances she had, and she knew the stories of their lives better than she understood the dynamics of her peers. She lived in books because she couldn't live among her peers, as one.
This girl had lots of problems, and she grew up to be one of those brave girls that does whatever she pleases. She learned to disregard suffering and pain, and she learned to ignore the glares and, too often, sheer turns of faces when seen in her direction.
One day, she got sick of this.
One day, she threw a revolution over herself. She was going to change. She was going to be the type of girl everyone loved and wanted to be friends with.
She started wearing lipstick at a age too young, and put dye in her hair so it seemed shinier, better, even though she was fourteen. She learned how to flirt and wink and make suggestive comments because what else did boys want? They didn't want an awkward, stumbling girl who hung around books.
She became the sort of girl other girls hated and envied, the sort of envious bitch who others swarmed around for attention. She knew they wanted her attention, and she refused it, blessing it only to a few people to keep her power.
This doesn't mean she still didn't live in her books and find solace in fiction. It just meant that, for her, the type of good, earnest lives those characters lived ultimately weren't for her. Because she wasn't like them.
She got used to this idea. She fought back against every stereotype and insult hurled at her, every "whore" and "bitch" that got slapped at her, because she built up walls nobody could tear down, walls made up of words.
Her attachments got her in the end.
She got attached even though she swore to herself too many years ago she never would. She got attached the simplicity of being something she was not, of being a warrior made out of snide words and easy glares that she could never really aspire too. Her mask had become her weapon, but even now that mask was failing her.
She was alone.
Alone.
Always alone.
The girl put on another swatch of Russian Red lipstick and went to her Freshman P.E class feeling like crap. Nobody would notice though, not if you kept your smile wide enough and your jokes open. Not if you kept your battle suit on.
Except she forgot.
A boy walked up to her. She smirked, an easy touch of the lips that meant that she was prepared, ready to take you on.
He said, "Your friends are complete bitches, you know that-"
She kept the smirk on. He must have been referring to when she snidely told some seniors that he'd been the one who scratched their shiny new BMWS, and the one that told the principal they were smoking pot behind the drama room in the school every Tuesday. She'd been expecting something like this. So she smiled.
"So? Not my business if you screw around-" She turned around to see him, and paused.
He had a purple bruise on his cheek.
She froze.
This usually didn't happen. Usually her victims knew to cry in the refuge of their homes, and to hide their battle scars from public notice.
He wasn't.
And she knew, she knew she did this. One way or another.
She froze, unfroze, and continued.
Things were different now.
She thought that when she got home and put her purse on the kitchen counter. She set it down and stared off into space for a minute, staring at the white kitchen cabinet five feet away from the kitchen table she was leaning on. It was grey, bespeckled, and marble. She felt like she was going to collapse against it, but she didn't want to faint either. She just wanted to sag.
She did not read a book that night.
She went into her room, closed the door, and wept. Wept for not being what she used to be, wept for not being the little girl she wanted to be, wept for not being "me" anymore.
She cried for awhile.
And then, she wiped away her tears, and sent an email.
Typically, the girl wasn't the type to apologize or make pity letters. But she did send this.
"I'm sorry. I screwed up. You shouldn't have done that to my friends though. But still, yeah, you didn't deserve that."
She left it vague because when and if the principal got a copy of that message, she would have nothing against her. Not really.
Just an apology.
--
I wrote this in half an hour with no edits. Someone forgive me.
And no, this not based off real life. I just got this idea and it swirled into me typing non stop and publishing it.
So yeah. Hoped you liked it.

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Bravery

Making decisions is arguably one of the hardest parts of being a person.
You have to purposely, honestly, force yourself to make a choice about something. 
It's easier to close your eyes.
Closing your eyes is relatively easy. You can hide in details and fantasy worlds and neverending newsfeeds. It's easy to say whatever comes to your mind. It's hard to write something worth writing. It's hard to be a person instead of a reaction to a hundred different stimuli.
I think that's why I love heroes in novels, movies, whatever. They are the people that make their decisions and go forward without hesitation. 
Being yourself, unabashedly yourself, is really damn hard. You have to try though. You are who you are, and no disguise can change that. A mask can blend in perfectly with the persona you've created, but you are still in there. 
Don't forget that.
Peace.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

A Dedication and A Debt (This has been sitting as a draft for awhile so I might as well publish it)

(This has been sitting as a draft for awhile so I might as well publish it)

***
A Dedication

My first coherent thought during graduation.
"Really? They're quoting Steve Jobs?"
I was expecting the whole ceremony to be a life-changing roller coaster of emotions as goodbyes were said and proper endings were made. I was expecting the ending of a fairytale, or at least a YA novel.
That wasn't the case.
People said bye in their usual social chatter. I didn't see any breakdowns or emotional goodbyes. Just goodbyes. Happy endings. It's like at the very end of a story when you expect to see a plot twist, except things really are happy and good and there is no more conflict to introduce or things to wrap up. The characters make their final appearance and you see them leave, but you don't feel anything particularly. It's a conclusion. The characters make their last wave and you wave back but you're feeling only a little nostalgic.
I suspect the climaxes, the big emotional rollar coasters that define high school have already happened. They happened over the four years, over the little fights and social squabbles and grade anxieties...The transformations are completed. Graduation is the end of all that for high school. It's not the part where the bad guys come invade and ruin everything right before the big showdown of the end of the season. (I'm looking at you Vampire Diaries)
I guess I should blame High School Musical for this.
***

A Debt

But what is the case is that I owe these seniors alot.
I owe my sister, for being amazing and wonderful and tolerating my never-ceasing wave of bad moods. I owe my sister for having my back and showing me that school isn't all that bad, for letting freshman me tag along with her friends so I had somewhere to belong to for awhile. I owe her for being a pretty damn cool sister.
I owe the DVP seniors for reminding me that appearances aren't a big deal and that it's okay to feel like shit sometimes. They reminded me that you can be whatever you want to be, and you don't have to follow what you think everyone wants you to be. They helped me learn how not to always be an awkward social turtle, which I'm internally grateful. Most of all, they were there for me even when they barely knew me. Hell, I still don't know them. But I owe them.
I guess I learned that you have to be kind and understanding because people are screwed up too.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

It's Time To Begin, Isn't It *Listen before reading: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sENM2wA_FTg *

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sENM2wA_FTg

It's Time is a beautiful song. It is not an easy song, to write or listen to. It rings with pain, pain in every lyric that despite its inspiring lyrics, suggests the exhaustion of a long battle. Ryan Reynolds gives it his all, every time he belts out a lyric. 
"It's time to begin isn't it, I get a little bigger than this but then I'll admit, I'm just the same as I was. Now don't you understand? I'm never changing who I am." 
I'm never changing who I am is a promise. I'm never going to change who I am even if hellhounds are coming after me is what he means. Inferiority is not tolerated. He will do what he wants regardless of what the people around him would want. That's not to say the song is about rebellion. It's about setting off to find your own path and hoping that happiness and satisfaction will follow. In whatever case, complacency is no longer a viable option. Only victory is. 
But that victory feels empty, weak. Once the victory is gained, you could lose it all. Fear eats at you. You need the strength to handle the fear in order to fully understand and deserve your victory.
The song rings both of winning, cheering at the victory, but also of the strength it takes to resist the fear that comes along with it. The song is about strength, the strength to pursue the long run, and the strength to fight off the insecurities that could take it away from you. 
The lyrics are not very obtuse or deep persay. They are not the secret to life's questions. It is not less than any other bubbly song, nor greater than any other deep song. And yet, I love it. 


Tuesday, June 4, 2013

An Empty Orchestra Room

Today was the end. In all of my shitty grades and terrible coping skills, it was done.
I got out of finals an hour early, and decided to wander around before being yelled at/directed by the hall monitor to the cafeteria. I wait an hour there, scrolling through my iPod waiting for it to pass.
The period ended. I was officially free from school. Excited, I wandered into the orchestra room by instinct, and, almost surprised, found it empty.
I'm not in orchestra. I quit in 8th grade. And yet, that haunting empty room was terrifying.
Because from this moment on, it would always be empty after school.
Let me explain.
Day 1 of freshman year, I was been the young sycophant that desperately wanted people's attention and thus never got any of it. I had no friends.
My sister, a semi-well off sophomore at that point, was not in that state.
I don't know exactly how, but one day I joined her social group in the orchestra room after school, or at least the rag tag assortment that showed up there.
Most of them were my sister's acquaintances/friends, but pretty soon my best friend and I found a place there, and they became our friends.
We did alot of things in that room, mostly hang out until 4:00 talking about random crap and screwing around.
There was no Denny's we went to or a daily ritual we had. We weren't all good friends.
But we showed up there, most of the time.
That was the place where I kicked a violin locker in frustration after being palmed off by a friend. It was the place where me and my best friend hung out, talking about random crap. It was the place where we hid behind the gaping towers of chairs, playing games of if we could fit behind them or not.
A lot has changed since then.
I go there by instinct now. Three years I found sanctuary in that room.
I find myself continually disappointed at how empty it is, at how I won't find Betty packing up her stuff to get to the bus or Victoria sitting on the floor by the door, eating a snack as I say hi. I won't see Noel standing by the door talking to a friend of his right outside the door. I won't see my sister sitting in the big spinny chair at the front of the room, talking or yelling or even cursing someone. I'll see none of it. Because they graduated.
And now there's nobody in the room.
It's sad.
I can't imagine next year, the haunting feeling twisting in my heart every time I feel the need to pull into that room and find that the comfort I found there is gone, replaced with an empty room that stares back at me instead of giving me what I had come to expect. No comfort, no warmth. Only emptiness, and silence looking back at me.
Here's to senior year, to looking into an orchestra room and finding silence. Here's to the end of junior year, beginning messily and ending in silence.
Here's to it's end.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Sixteen (Birthday rant)


It's been a weird year.
That's the best I can say it. Because so many weird things have happened, terrible and good, that I never would have expected. I lost best friends and made new ones; I found refuge in new places and was denied in others. I didn't get the things I want but I found new things to want. That doesn't diminish my wanting of those old things, but they are undeniably good, wonderful things.
Yesterday was one of the worst days in the entire semester. Today was one of the best.
I don't know why.
Life never works out the way I plan it, and I think that's a good thing. Even this post which discusses so brilliantly WHY we can't have complete control over our own lives doesn't mean I still don't want it. I still want to make myself a certain way and be friends with certain people and do certain things that I don't know how to control. But at the same time, if I had it my way, I never would have discovered the things I found this year.
It's like the roadmap in my head didn't get anywhere near fulfilled but all the side stops really make me reconsider my thoughts and beliefs and make me a better person.
Tomorrow I'm going to be seventeen. Tomorrow is the end of a crazy, crazy year. It wasn't the funnest or best or happiest year, but it was a hell of a year to say the least. I'm not nostalgic about it, but I'm happy I went through it. I got alot out of it, even with all the angst and the pain and the anxiety.
I learned how not to judge people and to be myself and to actually make sustaining relationships with people. I understand more people now, and find myself admiring people that I never would have considere worth thinking well of last year. 
I found real friends and I lost old ones. 
Nothing deathly happened; no tragedy that ripped my family apart. I've been happily blessed with a lack of such events in my life, but it can't last. 
I guess the crux of it all is that I learned more. 
Tomorrow is the end of my 16th year, and I'm almost sad. I've been through so much and I'm almost sorry to have to part myself with this part of my life. 
But alas, 17 has to make a name for itself. It will have its own angst and happy things too. I don't think I can imagine what my life will be like in a year, how good or bad it will be. 
The not knowing makes me excited though. Because there's so much ahead (hopefully, if I don't die or something awful awful happen) that my boring, mundane brain can't begin to expect, secret joys like my entire AP Lang class throwing me a party for my bday or getting a Twitter or writing nostalgic notes on the yearbooks of seniors. It wasn't anything I expected. 
But I didn't mind it.
So this is sixteen, a messy ride of good and bad, of high expectations and low receptions. I hope I "don't forget what it's like to be sixteen when I turn seventeen." (Sorry I quoted Perks of Being A Wallflower don't kill me) I hope I remember everything the way I remember it now. And I hope things get better.

Friday, May 3, 2013

Confident. Finally.

I finally got there.
You know, that special little place where you don't feel like crap for breathing and you're not worrying every damn half second about things.
Which is ironic, because being the month of AP tests and finals and college essays and what not, you think this would be the worst month.
Traditionally, it has been. (at least in the last two years)
And yet, it isn't. It's actually one of the best.
Maybe I've been building to it all this time, from September to now. Maybe I finally hit the confidence jackpot and was like "congrats, you finally did it" to myself.
I do remember when it started though.
Remember my music video trauma? When I made my music video and I was stuck and then I was inspired, and I wrote that I was going somewhere with it?
After three weeks of coming into the DVP room before and after school, logging Mr. Russo's heavy camera and hoping to God I wouldn't break it, filming people who didn't really want to help but did so out of obligation, I finally finished it.
And it was good.
Good enough that, in fact, when I played it for my friend in class, it took me a couple minutes to notice the crowd that had slowly but surely gathered around to watch. And after it was finished, one of the best students in the class went "That was actually pretty good." A really popular senior girl (Who actually is really nice, but she is also really well-known so NO NAMES) asked me to play it again. I did, and then she said "That's really good." Someone even asked me to upload it on Youtube.
Keep in mind that I don't think its a "great" music video. I don't think that any company would upload this as their official music video. But it was the one I wanted to make and I slaved over making and the one, that in the end, earned everyone's respect.
I don't know, it was then when it all hit me. The fact that I did it, that I made this thing after stressing and worrying and working for days without expecting much out of it. I did do it to make it good, but I didn't do it for the 'fame' or in the belief that I would actually get respect or recognition for it.
But when I did, I got in a good mood. And it hasn't went away yet.
It's helped me realize that "Holy shit. I DID something." Most of my other projects that I've slaved over have either gone unrecognized (not that I feel as if my work would warrant that much recognition anyways) or simply not paid attention to. It was just another assignment, like this one. One I took pride and agony trying to make good, but an assignment.
Most of the other videos in that class other people have taken charge on, so I just slid back and let others do all the work. None of it was intrinsically whollistically, 'mine'. There is a whole list on the credits though, and at least four names just for sticking with me and letting me be a weak numbutt about it for a week before calling it quits on the first song, and doing another.
I know my potential now. And what I want to do for the rest of my life.
Not necessarily music videos. But I want to do things that I slave and work for, heart and soul, and then see the faces of the people (as I now realize) I respect and admire as they watch it. To see their admiration reflected back, as an equal.
That's all really. To be an equal.
Also, I have college essays to worry about. And Ivy Leagues to not get into when I see my peers apply and get accepted to. Things like that. I have a intimidating internship in the summer that I hope to go I don't screw up. I'm not stressed about it.
I've come a long way (at least in my mind) from the teenage girl that cried over if her friends still cared about her.
Gotta keep moving forward.
P.S: Because I put a smartcard in the CD slot of an Apple computer at school (true story) I have to wait till monday to put my video online. It'll probably be under a "only people with the link" can see the video (at least at first) but if you guys want to see it, I'll put a link on here later and blog post about it.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Passive Aggressiveness

I read this post and was like "Cool! Someone says something relevent and interesting about something I care about!"
And then I thought "Wait, there's something wrong. Not in the writing, but the attitude."
Then I remembered what happened in school today.
-
I'm in Digital Video Production (AKA DVP). It's a class for more popular people to socialize, and its not hard to get a good grade. You're basically given free reign and a due date. Silent film. Film trailer.
Music video.
At first, I had a brilliant plan. It involved a banana costume and everything. (Yes, I had a good reason). It was going to be splendid, and then...well, I couldn't get a banana costume. And the gorilla costume had disappeared from my acquaintance's house.
I struggled for days trying to come up with a new idea, or even trying to film something. I was a nervous wreck, almost crying almost 9/10 minutes in that class.
The kids in that class are not mean. They might be popular or talk about things I don't know about, but they aren't mean. A few of them are exceptionally nice.
They offered to help me, and I sorta shook my head and stared at the ground and avoided eye contact. They wanted to help, but I didn't know how to let them help me. I didn't know what to do at all, and I felt stupid with them in front of me without me being able to do anything. I was the most passive aggressive person ever.
Now, these people are nice, but they aren't the type that try to make EVERYDAY FUN AND EXCITING AND OH MY GOD. They aren't the type my group of friends (hahahah jk I mean the few diaspora I have out there) would ever really associate with. These people go to parties and probably drink and etc etc. I don't judge, but I didn't expect them to be so not-judgey. I haven't gone out of my way to do something for them and they haven't told me any exceptional secrets. They've just kinda accepted me and helped me with some of my problems.
That said, I'm not in their social group and I don't gossip with them and etc etc. But, honestly, the people I associate with (or in an imaginary world, would associate with) wouldn't give a rat's ass about me in this situation. They would absorbed in their own lives and that of their close friends and don't talk to anybody else. They only talks to what interests them.
So when I felt that passive-aggressiveness hit me over and over this week, I wasn't pinholed by the people around me. They implicitly tolerated and accepted me for it, and helped me get out of that mindset so I could change my song and get over my fear to do something else. Without that support, I wouldn't have been able to do it. I would have been stuck in the stream of worry and anxiety and helplessness. It took me four days to get to that point, but the point is I got to that point when, in another situation or class (I can think of Chemistry Honors sophomore year when I say this), I would never have gotten out dignified. I can't predict that this will go smoothly or the filming this weekend will work out, but I'll do it (with God's will). And that's a hell of a lot more than what I thought yesterday.
So the question isn't if someone who feels passive aggressiveness WANTS to do it. They want it just as badly as anyone, and given free reign, would climb over Hell to get it. They just don't believe its worth it, or they're worth it. They don't believe that they should feel a certain way or should do a certain thing. They think their own beliefs and desires are worthless. And the only way to help them out of it is to help them remember and remind them that they aren't. Does that make sense?
One of the most popular girls in the senior class helped remind me of that when, in the beginning of the semester, nobody else did. I'm grateful for that.
-
So if someone's feeling like that? The best thing you can do for them is not condescendingly remind them that it isn't true, that it's okay to screw up and change things. It's okay to tell Mr. Russo that you need help and you don't know what to do. That it's okay.
Really.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Things Anymore

I really don't.
All my conversations with people are small talk now. Really. Nothing serious and nothing real.
It's driving me insane.
I don't know how to talk even, how to be real. To say the things I want or even know what I want. I don't.
I wish I weren't so angsty.
On that note, I wish I could make a fucking music video without not knowing what to do. I had an idea and it fell apart. I had another idea and it fell apart. All my ideas fell apart and the ones I have now for it are flimsy things that I don't even film properly.
I don't even let myself dream anymore, you know? I stopped expecting things awhile ago. I just hope for certain grades and certain things to happen, but I'm not really "the hero" of my own story anymore.
On figment.com, there's this writing contest for seniors that has this prompt "How does this quote relate to the journey of the characters in “Out of the Easy” and also to your personal journey as you prepare for college? Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show. — Charles Dickens"
I haven't read either book, so I wouldn't know and plus, I'm not a senior. But there's this other thing in that I don't think I am the hero anymore. I don't know how to be. Does that make sense?
It's like, I've always been weirdly fascinated by the whole hero thing, what it means to be one. I wanted to write a novel about it.
That's the thing, wanted. And then I stopped wanting to.  I would like for it to existence and I daydream about it, but I'm not consciously DOING anything to make it happen. I've become super passive aggressive. That's funny.
I don't believe my dreams will come true, so I stop working for them, and I become like this. Numb and apathetic.
Fun.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

I Feel Like Alot Has Changed This Year

Usually, I like to look at the past nostagically and think "Wow, things have changed," with a self-satisfied smirk.
This year they really have changed though.
I don't say that with the self-satisfied smirk that I used to. I'm not comparing the person I am to the person I was and viewing her with contempt.
But I do see a difference.
Even rereading my old posts, I see someone who wanted to impress people and be happy. I saw someone who wanted to figure it all out.
I don't feel that way anymore.
I'm more ambitious than before, but I'm not as "hungry," if that makes sense.
It's weird, but I'm glad it happened.
It's as if all those things that happened this year made me better without me ever realizing it.
Like, those flaws I had are still there, but they don't matter as much.
I don't think this is bullshit, and I don't think I've morphed into some butterfly who is badass and strong. But I don't know, the same things that nagged me at night and drove me to write posts don't bother me as much anymore.
So what if I don't have that many friends. So what if I don't know about anything that goes on in the school. So what.
Things change and get better and its a waste of time to wallow over the past when the future is still in front of you.
I don't know, that's what I think.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Words and the Internet

I don't use Instagram. I've always avoided it. This post brings out an excellent reason why.
But I don't agree with the post, especially not in the belief that "But when it comes to words and writing, technology seems to fail on every single front."
That's false.
Twitter is the reason I know about so many things involving the things and people I care about, even from a distance. Twitter is the reason I love the Mortal Instruments more ardently than without it, and Twitter is the reason I'm now friends with people that were just acquaintances before. Twitter is how I express myself in sentences without any of the in-context fumbling of real life. It shows the way I want to be seen. I like Twitter.
If not Twitter, then you could complain texting. I can't text. I suck at it. Nobody texts me, and if they do, the conversation is awkward and heartrate-inducing as I try to say the right things without knowing the context.
Gmail is the reason why I'm best friends with somebody who could have been simply "another" friend, how I can communicate what I mean and how I mean it without the pretenses real life puts between us.
Tumblr doesn't use words as nearly as much, but a thousand words conjured and posted on Tumblr as quotes, stupidly funny text posts, or simple fangirling bring me closer to people than I ever was before.
I don't mean to sound like a total loser, but without the Internet, I'd be a much worse writer.
And let's not forget that this blog is the product of writing and technology. And I love this blog, no matter how angst ridden it is.
So no, I disagree whole-heartedly. Both the Internet and books provide the words I need to feel okay sometimes, and make me the better person I want to be. They give me opportunities to learn and understand people and things that I only saw from afar before. I owe words, and thus technology, quite a lot.
Thanks for understanding

Monday, April 1, 2013

The Go-Getters

Renegades. Heroes. Some call them badasses, but that depends on your definition of badass.
They're the heroes of the books that we really, really like. The ones that really, desperately want something and will fight for it, but are naive enough to believe that there's more to life than the mundane 'get what you want' without consequences.
I call them the Go-Getters. Because they run after they want and keep running until they have it, or become good enough people to realize they don't need it anymore.
I can think of a dozen examples, most of them boys. In fact, someone in my AP Lang class asked me why all my "babies" (as I like to call most of these characters) are boys.
I don't like that.
I can vividly think of only two or three examples of characters that defy it, but even they are disappointing. They lack that hopeful chauvinism that defines so many great characters. They are badass, but quickly fall into the trap that I-am-too-cool-for-this attitude that never manages to disappoint me.
I want to write a novel about this kind of girl, and she's already in my head. That isn't the news.
The news is that I used to be this kind of person but I'm too lacking in courage and pride to be anymore. I wish I were this type of person.
That's why I read so much about them.
(If anyone cares, I'm thinking of characters like Edward Elric, Augustus Waters, Jace Wayland, Rose Hathaway, etc etc. I don't think anybody really cares though. That's the thing about this post. People will read it and then return to their tumult filled lives, not a thing changed. I say this knowing that few will notice or bother to read this footnote, but hoping that maybe someone will for the better. So I post this note anyways, hoping.)

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Finis: A Response to "Writing"

I've rewritten this blog post three times.
The first two were emotionally satisfying blog rants about my opinions. This post should hopefully be something else.
In latin, Finis means end, or in other words, finished.
-
Writing is an art because it is a bitch. Say what you want about metaphorical you's making you slave and suffer,  (Not that there is anything wrong with that. It just doesn't work for me) but in my perspective, it is because you owe a debt to the words that it is a bitch.
It could be easy. It could be the rambling ugly posts that I put here often without editing. It could be self-satisfied rants and fantasies. That's what writing could be if we didn't owe it to ourselves and the words we love that we do better.
Writing isn't hard. Monkeys can type words into keyboards. It's crafting stories and universes out of sheer words that's difficult, of gently pushing ideas into one's mind without declaring your opinion too loudly that's hard.
That's all.
-
*I would be totally lying if I said I got that great great word from something other than the end of two of my favorite manga series back in middle school (Both of which all of you should read because let's face it, these two series are more complex than 99% of any books I read), and like any other pretentious middle schooler, have kept it latched in my brain until a moment like this has arrived
**On that note, I highly highly recommend The Infernal Devices series, which contains the excellent quote "We live and breathe words" (It also helps that the main character and her love interest are both obsessed with books.) And no, I'm not over Clockwork Princess. But I do have a copy of the first book to lend if anyone wants to read it.

Monday, March 25, 2013

My Drawers (An incoherent rant)

Friday night, I was cleaning the drawers next to my bed. I was in the mood for spring cleaning, for completely wiping everything I didn't like out of the way so I could work better and harder, to make up for my apathy during the 3rd quarter as my grades crashed down beside me. I emptied the first drawer, and in a moment of epiphany, dumped the contents of the third drawer as well. There I saw a ton of memories fighting for reconciliation all at once. Cleaning it all up took awhile.
First there was a letter that my "friends" (To this day, I don't know what these people really thought of me but I'll go with friends) wrote for my 14th birthday that made me the happiest person alive for a day. I don't know why I like it so much, but I do. It's a purple, papery envelope embroidered by a doodle of a ninja with a matching plainly purple card in the inside, signed by people I knew in my grade.
There was also the bootleg dvds from Syria that we all thought were great at one point in our lives, copies of Advocate written by people who have long graduated, an old napkin with an aol account scribbled on it that I never bothered to contact, etc etc.
Most of this stuff had to be tucked away into another box or two, or simply thrown away with lack of relevence and age. It got me thinking though, that I did have a life before this one, the one I have at Hinsdale Central. Like, its so easy to forget about the things that you have tucked away in drawers you barely ever open and look at, and its really hard to remember in full detail rather than in cursory remembrance the person you used to be.
It's a comfort in a way though. That there was someone here and that your memory is the least accurate narrative of what kind of person you are as a whole. You know?
I am a terrible writer. BUT WHATEVER.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

FINAL DRAFT

So here it is
Final draft.
The baby has been delivered.
(Too late to help me now, I sent it to my teacher since I have a field trip tomorrow. This is for your viewing pleasure)
 
Evil Incarnate

I was always interested in the villains. They had always fascinated (and admittedly, horrified) me in how they didn’t care for anyone but themselves, but then were still able to fool themselves into thinking that they were the heroes. That seemed ridiculous to me, but also kind of impressive. Of course, I didn’t understand what evil really meant. I thought evil was when an unconscious Faustian Contract; that the poor victim would choose a path of evil in the pursuit of some worldly thing. This perspective was by no means unaided by my favorite books and movies, or rather, I wouldn’t have liked those books and movies so much if it weren’t for that perspective. To me, evil was never intentional. It was a tragic accident.
That changed when my sister convinced me to start watching Criminal Minds with her between episodes of Hannah Montana and Suite Life of Zach and Cody. Each episode followed the same stylistic arc that never seemed to bore me: The BAU (Behavioral Analysis Unit) would examine the evidence of a recent crime, and then use it to profile what kind of person the “unsub” could be. The BAU would then catch the culprit with less than a minute to spare. Criminal Mind’s main problem isn’t that it isn’t good-hardly-but that it’s too simplistic in its designation of villain. For a long time, I thought evil was psychopathy. I didn’t think villains were anymore than the cumulative result of years of maliciousness. People didn’t transform into beasts; they were beasts from the beginning.
That’s a rather easy way of looking at life, but it isn’t true. In the 1971 Stanford Experiment, “good, normal, intelligent college students” were selected out of a pool of applicants, and placed into a faux basement prison. Dr. Philip Zimbardo created the experiment to observe how participants would embody their assigned roles as either prisoner or prison guard. (Zimbardo 20) The experiment, in that regard, was a terrifying success.
On the first day of the experiment, the prison guards were stripping rebellious prisoners of their clothing and their mattresses as punishment. Before okaying the experiment, the Human Subject Research Committee demanded the presence of a fire extinguisher in the faux-prison “in case of an emergency.” The guards soon found a use for it. The guards whacked the fire extinguisher against cell bars in order to subdue rebellious prisoners, and then sprayed inmates with frigid CO2 inside the extinguisher to order to end the insurrection. This was the second day. (Zimbardo 61) The experiment was ended on the sixth day, after a graduate student pleaded to Dr. Zimbardo about the dehumanization of the prisoners by the guards, and implored that he was responsible for it. The experiment was meant to last two weeks. (“Psychologist Investigates The Origins Of Evil.") This is what happened to ordinary Americans after a week of being in a fake prison.
These were the kids meant to represent “middle-class, educated youth.”  (Zimbardo 33) And yet, it only six days for them to become the villains we so revile and despise in the media. The participants were “transformed into either brutal, sadistic guards or emotionally broken prisoners.” To the creator of the experiment, the lesson to be learned is that “powerful situations corrupt most people.” (“Psychologist Investigates The Origins Of Evil”)
I don’t say that to suggest that we’re all psychopaths waiting for our moment to shine. It’s just, how could one claim to be morally just or good when they haven’t been through such a corruptive situation? Who are we to be so arrogant to think we’re good when, clearly, we could so clearly be made not so within less than week? Are we so weak against, pardon my cliché, the forces of evil?
In the film The Dark Knight, Harvey Dent is sitting around with his fiancé Rachel and Bruce Wayne when the topic of the morality of power comes up. In the discussion, Dent delivers this oft-quoted line-“You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become a villain.” (The Dark Knight) This question seemed uninteresting to me at the time of the movie’s release because to me, that sort of defeatist attitude was the exact thing that permitted evil to win, as it did later in Harvey Dent. Even so, I still wonder now whether there’s any credibility to that quote
Dent’s not the first one to make philosophical notions about evil. Almost every society has blamed at least something for evil. The Greeks blamed the folly of flesh for interfering with the perfect human soul, while the Old Testament ragged on the soul’s imperfect pride for corrupting humanity. (Ladd) The Salem Witch Trials chased imaginary witches in the pursuit of evil, and the Spanish Inquisition hunted down whatever Jews and Muslims remained in 16th century Spain to find it. The Abrahamic religions, through a shallow lens, seem to blame Satan for all evil, but we’re the ones held accountable on Judgment Day for falling to “The Whisperer.” Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.
Science pins the blame of evil on four major factors, at least according to social psychologist Baumeister: “a desire for material gain, threatened egotism, idealism, and a sadistic pursuit of pleasure.” (Scimecca) Birgit and Daniel Katkin dissect evil into two major categories in their analysis of Heart of Darkness: banal evil and primeval evil.  Primeval evil is the sadistic, “monstrous, spectacular” evil that we’re used to seeing in our favorite fantasy novels and in our horror films. Banal evil, on the other hand, is the subtler, nuanced evil that’s “comfortable” and easy, as simple as someone who “sees but cannot act.” (Maier-Katkin, Birgit, and Daniel Maier-Katkin ) Banal evil is, in essence, conforming to something terrible.
I can’t help but be biased when I claim that I don’t remember ever committing banal evil, at least at the forefront of my mind. I do remember reading about how the town of Dachau adapted and flourished even when Jews were dying by the thousands in a concentration camp little than a mile from where they lived. (Scimecca) I also remember hearing about how children in Syria were being shot and tortured while Bashar Assad’s wife ordered Harry Potter DVDs for her children. I remember hearing about the catastrophe in Syria, feeling horrified, and then not doing much else except continuing to feel horrified.
The strange thing about these evils, literary or scientific or social-is that they share a common root: pride. They all depend on an unwillingness to sacrifice a selfish interest for a selfless one. Whatever events lead to one’s Fall, no matter how skewed in justification, a villain’s conversion to evil was not complete without an assumption that they were entitled something, and should be allowed to commit whatever crime they did to obtain it. The main difference between the books and real life is that the pride in books was an absolute constant without a mingling of guilt. Steve Leonard of the Saga of Darren Shan series justified his entire life quest to destroy the main character’s life (and that of his mentor’s) through the simple hatred of the fact that the mentor, who Leonard had once idolized,  “called me evil!” (Allies of the Night) Warped in a sense of entitlement and self-justification, classical villains are trapped in the suffocating prison of themselves. Dr. Zimbardo labeled this kind of all-consuming, self-obsessed pride as the “sins of the Wolf” and mentions that in Dante’s Inferno, the lowest circle of Hell is dedicated to committers of this grievous blasphemy. (Zimbardo 4)
Most of us don’t commit sins of the wolf, nor do we spend our lives slaving after a delusional goal. So what do we do? In this regard, we’re the opposite of Satan: We can do evil things, but we aren’t evil. On a day-to-day basis, most of us are flawed human beings trying to figure out how to live and be happy. Undoubtedly, most of conflate our goals with our desire for happiness, and thus find it easier to sacrifice certain values in exchange for our dreams coming true. But there’s rarely the absolute sacrifice of all that is good in exchange for evil. Most of the kids in the Stanford Experiment returned to civilian life. One of the worst guards in the faux-prison is now “a happily married mortgage-broker,” (“Psychologist Investigates The Origins Of Evil”) People can change.
I guess the moral of all this can be summarized in a stanza taken from Nobel-prize winning poet Czeslaw Milosz’s poem Unde Malum. It was written in response to a fellow poet’s piece regarding evil as a devastatingly human quality.
 “Without witness/evil disappears from the world/ and consciousness with it /Of course, dear Tadeusz/ evil (and good) comes from man.”                                     C. Milosz
In there lies my hope.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Red Alert Red Alert-Editing Time

So I'm about done with this essay. Phew. What a magnum opus. Jk, it's really not, but it is something. Six pages of something that isn't total crap. (Hopefully)
This is where I need help!
Unsurprisingly, if you've read this blog long enough, you know I abuse grammar the way an old person beats the crap out of any proper usage of hip terms.
So yeah, HELPS.
Grammar Nazis, this is your time to shine! Come on board and help me sort through the crapfest that is my essay! Comment below and rag all you like on the stylistic/grammar nitty bits, and any comments you have in general about it.
Thanks :)

                                                                   Evil Incarnate

I was always interested in the villains. They had always fascinated (and admittedly, horrified) me in how they didn’t care for anyone but themselves, but then were still able to fool themselves into thinking that they were the heroes. That seemed ridiculous to me, but also kind of impressive. Of course, I didn’t understand what evil really meant. I thought evil was when an unconscious Faustian Contract; that the poor victim would choose a path of evil in the pursuit of some worldly thing. This perspective was by no means unaided by my favorite books and movies, or rather, I wouldn’t have liked those books and movies so much if it weren’t for that perspective. To me, evil was never intentional. It was a tragic accident.
That changed when my sister convinced me to start watching Criminal Minds with her between episodes of Hannah Montana and Suite Life of Zach and Cody. Each episode followed the same stylistic arc that never seemed to bore me: The BAU (Behavioral Analysis Unit) would examine the evidence of a recent crime, and then use it to profile what kind of person the “unsub” could be. The BAU would then catch the culprit with less than a minute to spare. Criminal Mind’s main problem isn’t that it isn’t good-hardly-but that it’s too simplistic in its designation of villain. For a long time, I thought evil was psychopathy. I didn’t think villains were anymore than the cumulative result of years of maliciousness. People didn’t transform into beasts; they were beasts from the beginning.
That’s a rather easy way of looking at life, but it isn’t true. In the 1971 Stanford Experiment, “good, normal, intelligent college students” were selected out of a pool of applicants, and placed into a faux basement prison. Dr. Philip Zimbardo created the experiment to observe how participants would embody their assigned roles as either prisoner or prison guard. The experiment, in that regard, was a terrifying success.
On the first day of the experiment, the prison guards were stripping rebellious prisoners of their clothing and their mattresses as punishment. Before okaying the experiment, the Human Subject Research Committee demanded the presence of a fire extinguisher in the faux-prison “in case of an emergency.” The guards soon found a use for it. The guards whacked the fire extinguisher against cell bars in order to subdue rebellious prisoners, and then sprayed inmates with frigid CO2 inside the extinguisher to order to end the insurrection. This was the second day. (Zimbardo) The experiment was ended on the sixth day, after a graduate student pleaded to Dr. Zimbardo about the dehumanization of the prisoners by the guards, and implored that he was responsible for it. The experiment was meant to last two weeks. (“Psychologist Investigates The Origins Of Evil.") This is what happened to ordinary Americans after a week of being in a fake prison.
These were the kids meant to represent “middle-class, educated youth.” And yet, it only six days for them to become the villains we so revile and despise in the media. The participants were “transformed into either brutal, sadistic guards or emotionally broken prisoners.” To the creator of the experiment, the lesson to be learned is that “powerful situations corrupt most people.”
I don’t say that to suggest that we’re all psychopaths waiting for our moment to shine. It’s just, how could one claim to be morally just or good when they haven’t been through such a corruptive situation? Who are we to be so arrogant to think we’re good when, clearly, we could so clearly be made not so within less than week? Are we so weak against, pardon my cliché, the forces of evil?
In the film The Dark Knight, Harvey Dent is sitting around with his fiancé Rachel and the elusive Bruce Wayne when the topic of the morality of power comes into play. They discuss, enjoying themselves at a leisurely dinner before Dent has his life ripped apart by the musings of the Joker In the discussion, Dent delivers this oft-quoted line-“You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become a villain.” (The Dark Knight) This question seemed uninteresting to me at the time of the movie’s release because to me, that sort of defeatist attitude was the exact thing that permitted evil to win, as it did later in Harvey Dent. Even so, I still wonder now whether there’s any credibility to that quote, whether anybody really is incorruptible.
Dent’s not the first one to make philosophical notions about evil. Almost every society has blamed at least something for evil. The Greeks blamed the folly of flesh for interfering with the perfect human soul, while the Old Testament ragged on the soul’s imperfect pride for corrupting humanity. (Ladd) The Salem Witch Trials chased imaginary witches in the pursuit of evil, and the Spanish Inquisition hunted down whatever Jews and Muslims remained in 16th century Spain to find it. The Abrahamic religions, through a shallow lens, seem to blame Satan for all evil, but we’re the ones held accountable on Judgment Day for falling to “The Whisperer.” Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.
Science pins the blame of evil on four major factors, at least according to social psychologist Baumeister: “a desire for material gain, threatened egotism, idealism, and a sadistic pursuit of pleasure.” (Scimecca) Birgit and Daniel Katkin dissect evil into two major categories in their analysis of Heart of Darkness: banal evil and primeval evil.  Primeval evil is the sadistic, “monstrous, spectacular” evil that we’re used to seeing in our favorite fantasy novels and in our horror films. Banal evil, on the other hand, is the subtler, nuanced evil that’s “comfortable” and easy, as simple as someone who “sees but cannot act.” (Maier-Katkin, Birgit, and Daniel Maier-Katkin ) Banal evil is, in essence, conforming to something terrible.
I can’t help but be biased when I claim that I don’t remember ever committing banal evil, at least at the forefront of my mind. I do remember reading about how the town of Dachau adapted and flourished even when Jews were dying by the thousands in a concentration camp little than a mile from where they lived. (Zimbardo) I also remember hearing about how children in Syria were being shot and tortured while Bashar Assad’s wife ordered Harry Potter DVDs for her children. I remember hearing about the catastrophe in Syria, feeling horrified, and then not doing much else except continuing to feel horrified.
The strange thing about these evils, literary or scientific or social-is that they share a common root: pride. They all depend on an unwillingness to sacrifice a selfish interest for a selfless one. Whatever events lead to one’s Fall, no matter how skewed in justification, a villain’s conversion to evil was not complete without an assumption that they were entitled something, and should be allowed to commit whatever crime they did to obtain it. The main difference between the books and real life is that the pride in books was an absolute constant without a mingling of guilt. Voldemort felt no empathy from birth, and Valentine Morgenstern was a charismatic jerk that stepped on people while justifying himself as God’s servant. Steve Leonard of the Saga of Darren Shan series justified his entire life quest to destroy the main character’s life (and that of his mentor’s) through the simple hatred of the fact that the mentor, who Leonard had once idolized,  “called me evil!” (Allies of the Night) Warped in a sense of entitlement and self-justification, classical villains are trapped in the suffocating prison of themselves. Dr. Zimbardo labeled this kind of all-consuming, self-obsessed pride as the “sins of the Wolf” and mentions that in Dante’s Inferno, the lowest circle of Hell is dedicated to committers of this grievous blasphemy. (Zimbardo)
Most of us don’t commit sins of the wolf, nor do we spend our lives slaving after a delusional goal. So what do we do? In this regard, we’re, ironically, the opposite of Satan: We can do evil things, but we aren’t evil. On a day-to-day basis, most of us are flawed human beings trying to figure out how to live and be happy. Undoubtedly, most of conflate our goals with our desire for happiness, and thus find it less or more easy to sacrifice certain values in exchange for them. But there’s rarely the absolute sacrifice of all that is good in exchange for evil. Most of the kids in the Stanford Experiment returned to civilian life. One of the worst guards in the faux-prison is now “a happily married mortgage-broker,” () People can change.
I guess the moral of all this can be summarized in a stanza taken from Nobel-prize winning poet Czeslaw Milosz’s poem Unde Malum. It was written in response to a fellow poet’s agonized piece written in despair of human futility.
 “Without witness/evil disappears from the world/ and consciousness with it /Of course, dear Tadeusz/ evil (and good) comes from man.”

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

On Being A Good Friend (A semi-rant)

Which I am shitty at.
I'm not a romantic, or if I were, I'm a romantic only because any other option makes life less than it could be. I prefer truth, hard cold truth that you can use as a crutch to pull you out of despair and into real life as a genuinely good human, the way of becoming a classical hero.
I'm a romantic about friends though.
Maybe it's because I haven't really been through it enough times, the day in day out of being real friends with somebody to the point where you know each other well enough to expect each other's moves but still be amazed at the contradictions in their behavior and the paradoxes in their thoughts but you still love them anyways.
I've had one friend for that. I don't mind that.
I've been listening to Charlie's Last Letter alot this week, particularly because I keep feeling alone when I'm surrounded with people that now like me but don't know me but I want to know them. There's this line that always sticks with me about how "driving with the people you love most in this world" that makes me wish I could know more people like that and love them for it.
But they don't let me or maybe I don't know how to let them and I'm shitty at helping them through bad times so of course they won't trust someone like me.
For the last several months, I've lent one of my favorite books to a friend of mine from Creative Writing. I lent it the day before Winter Break, she still hasn't given it back to me. I message her asking for it, she messages me back and we decide that she can drop it off at my house. In that message, she says "There's been alot going on" and then I feel like shit because I was supposed to be there for her and at what point I was there for her because she told me a terrible terrible secret that I kept with me. I thought that meant we were friends and we are and in the hall, she sees me and promises me to give it back today with an explaination, I hope deep down that maybe it'll work out. But it doesn't. She didn't drop it off today at all.
The weird thing is that I don't really blame her, I'm mad at myself for somehow losing her trust and screwing up what could've been a good friendship.
In DVP, there was this girl that I was kinda friends with (See, I don't know what friend really means anymore. An acquataince you talk to in class sometimes? Someone you give your deepest darkest secrets to? I don't know) who was texting her mom about something serious, and looked really really tired and sad. I scribbled "Are you okay?" in Sharpie cuz I felt bad and I wanted to help, but she said no and "Thanks for asking though." Somehow, Mr. Russo tells her something (I'm assuming it was permission to go to the bathroom and asking about the problem. He's a really chill, cool guy) and then she leaves the classroom with her face red and eyes blinking. Her best friend S immediately asks her group to continue editing, and then leaves the classroom. They don't come back before the end of the period.
Meanwhile, I'm sitting there feeling like shit for not being able to do anything but embarrass myself and crack a few jokes.
The weird thing is that none of my "friends" (except for that one I keep mentioning) have ever done anything remotely similar to that except for the friend I lent the book to in Creative Writing. At least then she let me help and I tried to be there, but soon enough that was gone too.
I don't want to see my friends breakdown or anything, it's just that everyone's human and I don't think I see that side of people. It's like I'm friends with people when their in a good mood and they suddenly disappear when they feel like shit or they hide it from me too well for me to notice or help.
I don't know what to do.

Friday, March 8, 2013

Moments of Awe

You know those moments when your heart gets whelmed (not overwhelmed or underwhelmed, but just whelmed) with flurries of hope after you see something that reminds you that there is good in this world without corruption, there is such a thing as selflessness without a consequential Fall into "evil"
I just had one of those moments.
This isn't the first time it's happened. I can name several. When I put down Looking For Alaska by John Green during the Winter Break of 2010 and just stared at the cover in silence, thinking that this book has changed me. A year later, when I finished the head-long emotional rollar coaster of reading The Fault In Our Stars two weeks before anybody else, and feeling overwhelmed with the sheer beauty and wonderfulness of the book. There are others from earlier times, from finishing Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood to closing the last page of the second-to-last book in the Saga of Darren Shan series. And now.
Anyways, I was porcrostinating on my essay, and then doing what I do best, I went on Tumblr.
And found this.
If anyone ever asks me "What do you want to do with your writing?" or hell, even my life, I'll tell them "This."
That small comic gave me hope, more hope than any six page essay I've read in the last two months. It gave me real, genuine hope about goodness, how it's possible to do good in this world without succumbing to life's tragedies and still remaining one's self, still going good.
I like that reminder.
-
In Spanish today, Senora asked us to talk to our buddies about "Do you remember a moment when you had lots of hope?" My partner didn't really answer, and asked Senora to clarify the question. By that time, class had begun and we moved on from the warm up.
I guess I have hope now. Not tons of it, but for once I don't feel wrong in feeling good about something, without having to fear that what I'm thinking is wrong or selfish or silly.
-
Malala, as depicted in the comic, had a diary. In it, she wrote about how her mother enjoyed Malala's penname over her real one. Malala agreed, saying "I also like the name because my real name means 'grief stricken'."
I might be a sentimentalist, but now I liken it to hero.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Safe Havens

When people ask me what Tumblr is, I tell them "It's like Narnia." I ripped that idea off an old Tumblr post talking about what Chicago would be like if it had an internet equivalent (Twitter) or what Facebook would be ( I actually forgot this one) and then for Tumblr, someone put down "Narnia". It stuck.
-
I read alot. Or at least, I used to finish novels. Now, I don't have time and my mom isn't so permissive about it thanks to ACT season, so I live on Wikipedia and devour Amazon snippets of my favorite books or of books I want to read. This is probably a waste of time, and the reason why I'm only on book 18 for the Ultra-Reading Marathon (You're supposed to hit 44 books by April. That ain't happening)
-
My favorite books aren't the best written ones, or my favorites to fangirl about. They aren't the literary classics I can rant about for six years or the ones that everybody else loves.
They are the books that make me feel at home.
I get them, and they get me. They tell stories about things I believe in and value with characters I can relate to and situations, however fantasylike or unrealistic, that I can relate to. They help me remember and believe the things I don't want to ever forget. Love is stronger than death, resistance is not futile, we are what we make ourselves regardless of biology and neuroscience, we are not alone. Lots of things.
These are the books I love.
-
I need these reminders. I need these reminders because I live in a situation where I see shitty things happen to good people for complicated screwed up reasons. I don't know how to comfort these people without making it worse or alienating others, I don't know how to do the right thing.
When these things happen, bitterness and hatred overwhelm me and I want to scream at the world that these things are not right.
I need these things to remember the values that I'm scared of losing.
-
One day, something terrible will happen directly to me, or to someone I love. Not the gradual assholeness that dissipates over time, but something Terrible. Someone might die or something I can't predict. I won't be able to control it.
That's the day I fear, when everything I believe in cracks and I start to believe in the lying biases in my head instead of the things I should believe in. I can't let that happen.
-
So I scroll on Tumblr and read books when I'm sad. I read Quran and try to be a good Muslim too, but I would be lying if I didn't say that those two things comforted me just as much as the Quran did.
-

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Doing Things (By Yourself?)

God forbid, I write a post that's not about me. (mostly)
This is about everyone that's helped me get me to the point where I am now (and in a good way).
It's hard to remember on a consistent basis that I would not be in the position I am now without the countless support and selflessness of the people within my family, or my friends.
I also cannot say that I would be where I am now without my parent's wealth or insistence that I be above my peers in academic excellence.
Think about it. Parents pay for our education and screw ups, raise us as helpless infants, tolerate our annoying cries in the middle of the night and selfish whinings as tweens and teenagers.
Parents are the reason we're alive and successful the way we are, the reason we're ambitious and look ahead instead of around us.
Granted, our parents didn't make us become these things. We could have chosen not to be. But they made being these good things an appealing and available option. Money can't do everything for you, but it can open doors you didn't know could be opened.
With the wrong set of parents or friends, we could see education or selflessness or intellectualism as something beneath our attention, and end up focusing on things that aren't worth anyone's time.
Our parents and schools opened doors for us that we didn't even realize needed to be opened until it was too late. Thankfully, they were there for us to notice when we didn't or couldn't. The same can't be said for everyone.
The things most of us have done are mostly reactionary, or so I fear. We don't make our own opportunities, but check out the ones in front of us. I think of school clubs and organizations and programs when I say this, and I fear that the only reason we have access to these things is because of our privilege than whether we actually deserve them.
I'm just worried that one day the opportunities to do what we want with our lives won't be in front of us, and in the face of that limitless emptiness, we won't do anything at all without it being handed to us or taught to do it. I fear that without English classes we wouldn't write essays in our spare time, or read about History or brush up on Foreign Language. I fear that our education is seen as something as the basis for the rest of our life instead of just the beginning of a long-life accumulation of knowledge. I don't want to stop learning and doing things, but I don't want to be helpless without a structure to do those things.
Does any of this make sense? Probably not

Saturday, February 23, 2013

To The Fullest.

Sometimes, I feel dead.
For me, that means either of two things.
1) Everything is so boring. Nothing matters and I don't feel anything.
2) Everything hurts when I care, so I'm going to flow through and just keep swimming, and not care anymore.

Right now, my gut is telling me the former.
-
The last semester of the last two years tended to be bad for me. The classes I did the worst in would climax in their difficulty and I wouldn't be able to keep up because of my inability to study or understand what was happening in class, tests appeared in more concentration and I did worse on them, and I would stay up all night "studying" and wake up not knowing much more than before.
This year; it seems like its different. The sun is shining more, and I'm sort of knowing what I'm doing. But emotionally, I'm the polar opposite of what I used to be.
-
Back in those days, I would tell myself that I was "just living" as a comfort to myself. Back then, I didn't really understand what that meant, but it made sense.
I understand now.
I flowed from day to day, not doing much except being and talking and reacting to whatever was happening in the day. I was reacting, not doing, and thus I was doing badly. I wasn't living the life I wanted to live, but I would tell myself that I just had to survive the semester and then I would be free from it.
Those wishes did come through. The semester would end and bring summer, breaking in a time filled with opportunity and learning for me that I did on my own.
I love summers and three day weekends because they give you time to regain control of yourself and do what you want instead of "just living."
I'm really worried that I'm doing that again.
I don't want to "just live." I want to be alive and do things living people do, not sit around and survive what's in front of me. I want to do what I want to do, study what I want to do, make my life instead of forming it around what's around me
-
I haven't written in this blog in a while because I had nothing interesting to write about, because I was falling to that mentality again. There's nothing interesting about what happens on a day to day basis, what happens when the only things on your mind are the events of the day.
I want to be alive, whatever it takes. I want to make decisions, not have them made for me, or make them as a response to an obstacle in front of me.
-
This is a rather idealistic post. But I need this idealism if I want to escape the crutch I've lived under the last two years. I won't let it happen again, I won't let my momentum die out because of fear or apathy or anything.
Here's hoping it works.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Wondering Where I've been and Poetry

Easy. Researching and planning my six page essay on people's perception of evil.
That's it.
It's complicated messy work in which I constantly question what I'm researching, why I'm researching it, is the topic I'm doing actually good and if so, if I should revise and etc etc.
I think I've reached the point where I'm going to keep my topic. I jumped from Sailor Moon to the role of evil in literature to public perception of evil.
Obviously, I have a questionable interest in children's tv shows and evil, but whatever.
The angst surrounding the annotated bibliography was ridiculous and hard and my heart was breaking, but I managed and now I'm on the right track. I think.
There's this great poet I found accidentally by researching for this essay.
Here's one of his poems. (And another after it)

Unde Malum

Where does evil come from?
It comes

from man
always from man
to man
- Tadeusz Rozewicz 

Alas, dear Tadeusz,
good nature and wicked man
are romantic inventions
you show us this way
the depth of your optimism
so let man exterminate
his own species
the innocent sunrise will illuminate
a liberated flora and fauna
where oak forests reclaim
the postindustrial wasteland
and the blood of a deer
torn asunder by a pack of wolves
is not seen by anyone
a hawk falls upon a hare
without witness
evil disappears from the world
and consciousness with it
Of course, dear Tadeusz,
evil (and good) comes from man.
-

Rays of Dazzling Light
Light off metal shaken,
Lucid dew of heaven,
Bless each and every one
To whom the earth is given

Its essence was always hidden
Behind a distant curtain
We chased it all our lives
Bidden and unbidden

Knowing the hunt will end,
then that what had been rent
would be at last made whole:
poor body and the soul
-

The poet's name is Czeslaw Milosz. Who knew my research will help me find a poet that I actually like?*

Monday, February 11, 2013

The "Too Cool Kids"

It's bullshit. The whole "Queen Bees" mythos is such a joke. Not because that the elitism or the "brattiness" doesn't exist in real life, (Oh, but it does) but because it isn't as simply hiearchal as the media likes to play it up to be.
There is one large social group that is filled with people that go to the same parties and hook up with one another and smoke pot and etc etc, or the people that are at least well aware of these happenings. Granted, these are the kids that hear that rumor going around or the ones that are spreading it, the main audience for a majority of the "high school" drama that isn't directly related to school.
The wide majority of kids don't belong in this group, but the most vocal and "popular" members of each class are. Most kids have their own social group, containing their own dramas and gossip and information that the first group wouldn't care less about. These groups get smaller and smaller as you go down the list until you're looking at two best friends hanging on to each other for dear life, and those few unlucky kids without any real friends at all.
These groups are always bonded together by something, whether it be a similar set of beliefs/knowledge, a long history, a shared sport or extracurricular activity, etc. These groups mingle and merge and many people can be a part of more than one. The more well-liked or vocal you are, the more influence you have within these groups, even of those people you don't directly know because they've heard you in class or seen you in the assembly.
There are no Queen Bees, but there are people who act like it, and people in that social class/group. And they get judged.
They get judged by those who don't want to be a part of that group where hooking up is something casual instead of scandalous, and socializing is more important than grades.
I am not one of these people, no way in hell. I don't believe in that, and I wouldn't dare let my kids or my friends start doing that.
But the stereotype is starting to piss me off.
Sure, some of them seem "slutty" or "bitchy" and that kind of thing, but once you get past that (if ever), you start to see individuals, people liking certain things and being different from their peers in their own way. Some of them will still be shallow and cruel and vindictive, but you start to see them as more than the stereotype that can be assumed by their seemingly shallow conversations.
I have started feeling particularly defensive about this because I used to assume these stereotypes. I didn't even know I relied on these stereotypes as judgement until I met a few people that transcended it.
What's more terrifying about this stereotype is that we don't know how these people live their lives, or how they've been taught to live their lives. We don't know what hell they've been through (and we all have seen our own hells, even as you jerk your head towards their seemingly shallow banter in class) or what terrible things they've seen or even what beautiful things they've done. We don't know.
All we know is the stereotype, the ones that colors our lenses so fully that we can't see them in any other way.
At least, until we make ourselves.
(A somewhat patronizing rant, I know. Forgive me. It's been brewing in my head for awhile. Also, I continued to use the phrase "Them" because I didn't want to start going by individuals, and it's easier, at least for the sake of this essay, to go by that label. I wouldn't suggest thinking that way after this post.)

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Control

I have a thing for control. I don't write posts unless I have a feeling of what I want to write about, I don't pray five times a day because it feels controlling, I don't like being told what to do without knowing that I have to do it. I don't like being pushed around or ordered around. I hate it. I control myself.
I control myself because I don't trust my instinct to be right most of the time, that my inclinations are usually considered dangerous. I would rather someone think I'm crazy and I know it than have no idea what someone thinks of me. Natural is hard. I know (or at least have a good idea) how interpret my behavior in the classes I really like, and when I'm in those classes, I'm not acting. It's just, I can't stand the idea that one day someone will make me look stupid and vulnerable and I'll have no control over it. I modify my behavior based off the people around me, or rather, my behavior changes when I'm around certain people. And I would hate if that purported behavior was undermined by something out of control. For example, I get more mortified when I ruin the image I'm trying to create than when I actually make myself look bad. Each for its own audience.
I talk about myself. Alot alot alot. I just don't have many anecdotes to share, or rather, I need to make this insecure apparent so I can get rid of it. Some blog posts are actually interesting, some are self-centered (most are). Hope that hasn't bothered ya'll.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Updates

I haven't abandoned this blog, I swear. It's just, I only write posts when I feel like there is something that I should say that hasn't been said already, that I can bring to light something that I feel like is original, at least to myself. I don't like talking to much, or I start repeating myself. So I wait for the right mode of thought to come along and then I'll type away my little analyses of life and what not.
Maybe tomorrow I'll ramble about something. Whatever, I'll be writing something tomorrow. You'll see. (I think) :)

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Imitation: Another one of my elaborate rambling responses

At first, I was going to write a post about how much has changed in the last couple of years and how my brain was weird about organizing my memories and blahblahblah but I didn't feel like writing it because I didn't really know what I was talking about. And I only like to ramble when I know what I'm talking about, when I can label things and it all makes sense in the logos of my conscious mind.
More on that later.
The night went on, did some homework, and checked my Blogger profile. I found this lovely little post, and I was like "You know, I'm going to write in response to it."
So I shall.
Now, I haven't read Walden. You can blame me not getting into ELA until third quarter of 8th grade as the cause, but whatever. I'd always thought of it as a pretentious transcendentalist book because that's what my peers said about it. Considering I have way way too many books to read, I was like "You know, I think I'll pass."
So now I read this post and I go "Wow, should have read it. Nice one world."
The world and people around us give us the wrong impressions of things because it's the way it impacted them, and you're not going to be impacted the same way by something as the majority of the world. Your thoughts might be similar, but they are not the same. There's a key difference.
There are a cost to saying the wrong things the wrong way. There is a cost to saying that you don't think that Rebecca Black is not that bad of a person and that she has a rocking Tumblr because people are going to be like "Uhhh, I disagree, and therefore I don't like you." People do that. People judge things that aren't like them because of different values, and that's okay. Most of the time.
Things get bad when people judge and don't care how they go about handing their disapproval. There is a very costly pain associated with disapproval. Disapproval means some people don't want to hang out with you. You lose people you want to be with (friends or relationship or whatever wise). You want to be the kid that everyone likes, and by expressing your opinion, you drive people away.
If you aren't honest, you never meet the people who would give a shit about you if they really knew who you were. By being yourself (if that makes sense) and like, participating in life, people will want to be with you because they might like how you participate in life. And it's usually the most unlikely people.

So I don't think imitation is great. And yet, imitation is the reason our society is (relatively) stable. We do the things we do to keep the machine running so that we don't suffer when it screws up. Granted, alot of us DO suffer and will suffer regardless of if the machine is working properly or not, but it's a predictable suffering with an easily definable cause and effect. If you are this way, change, and you will fit in the machine and you will not suffer. This works best for those born into wealthy, well-off families, but nobody likes living in a society where nothing is predictable. Machines may have faults, but they are not nearly as chaotic as nature. (If you're interested in learning more about this, watch this)

Sunday, February 3, 2013

It's Really Easy To Hate People, But You Shouldn't (A mini-rant)

It's really easy to hate people, but you would have to be really stupid to do so.
From a purely self-centered perspective, hatred is easy. These people don't serve your needs or don't make you happy because they're too busy ignoring your or not giving you a chance or being stupid self-centered people.
But take a step back and then you realize that you are being a self-centered brat and that everyone has reasons for being what they are when they are.
So I suck it up most of the time because I get it, or at least try to. It's easy to lose that perspective, especially when people act bitchier than usual, or in better terms, bitchier than you expected. You're constantly trying to seem one way to them and its not working so you hate yourself so you push yourself harder and harder until you crack.
I've been brewing this in my unconscious for awhile, but I finally got it into words now. This post has been mentally planned for days, I just needed the right time to write it.
I don't think that the attitude of "If I'm nice to people, they'll like me and I'll be happy" is a good one, or a particularly a selfless one. It's a needy one that will always fail you because humans are fallible and will not meet your expectations no matter how consistent they seem. You can't count on other people to make you happy. You can only count on yourself for that (not as in YOU but you can't rely on fellow human beings for your happiness) Friends are there to be there for you, to have your back when you need it and understand you to some degree. Maybe they don't work out or maybe one of us screws thigns up or we don't see each other much anymore, but in the end, there's no good in resentment. I'm still disgusted by what some "friends" have done to others and myself, but honestly, there's alot more to life than that one person.
When I was sitting with The Sophomores (I'm just going to call them that) at lunch, one loner guy sat there alone, and slowly started to join our group until he was part of it. Sorta. Alot of my table sometimes ignored him or whatever, and one day in particular, he left the table suddenly with his iPod and left the few of us who were at lunch that day. And even though I was in a terrible, terrible mood that day (Let's just say things piled up badly that morning), I was thinking, "Wow, that's so stupid. You're not going to earn anyone's recognition by standing up and leaving. You're not justified." And I thought that knowing that I DID DO THAT in elementary school. It's a call for attention, and I'm realizing that that call for attention is limiting our own power. It's saying that "I need you" when you really don't, you just feel entitled to them as a human resource for your loneliness. It's bullshit. It's selfish. You're not a selfless person then when you give everything to make your friends happy, you're selfish because you expect that sentiment to be reciprocated when you're sad.
I don't know what you should do when your friends are sad. I'm not making claims. I have ideas, but nothing I can ramble about.
I just thought ya'll would like to know about this little development.