Control

I have a thing for control. I don't write posts unless I have a feeling of what I want to write about, I don't pray five times a day because it feels controlling, I don't like being told what to do without knowing that I have to do it. I don't like being pushed around or ordered around. I hate it. I control myself.
I control myself because I don't trust my instinct to be right most of the time, that my inclinations are usually considered dangerous. I would rather someone think I'm crazy and I know it than have no idea what someone thinks of me. Natural is hard. I know (or at least have a good idea) how interpret my behavior in the classes I really like, and when I'm in those classes, I'm not acting. It's just, I can't stand the idea that one day someone will make me look stupid and vulnerable and I'll have no control over it. I modify my behavior based off the people around me, or rather, my behavior changes when I'm around certain people. And I would hate if that purported behavior was undermined by something out of control. For example, I get more mortified when I ruin the image I'm trying to create than when I actually make myself look bad. Each for its own audience.
I talk about myself. Alot alot alot. I just don't have many anecdotes to share, or rather, I need to make this insecure apparent so I can get rid of it. Some blog posts are actually interesting, some are self-centered (most are). Hope that hasn't bothered ya'll.