A Fact

I am not popular.
You can say I'm outgoing, loud, annoying, empathetic, loved, and ambitious, but you can't say I'm popular.
Today, I realized this. Really realized it. It's been coming for a long time, and I know for a fact that I was never as in-touch with school gossip as my peers, but it's been dawning on me for some time how much I've been missing out.
This, for some reason, pisses me off today in ways that haven't bothered me in years.
***
During lunch today, a sophomore friend of mine brought up the subject of middle school, and I joked "I was such a b***ch in middle school."
"Why would you call yourself a b***tch?"
I'm smiling, because I believe it. "Because I was."
She asks, "Were you a bully?"  Confused, I answer no.
"Than you weren't a b****. Only bullies are b****ches in middle school." She says, laughing, good-intentioned.
 And then I laughed, adding without even thinking "I wish I was one."
She was the one who was confused now. "Why would you want to be a b****?"
I had an answer on the tip of my tongue, but her other friend, as usual, inturupted our conversation as she started talking about Wisconsin or something, and then they got offtrack. I still have the answer, but I am still hesitant to say it.
***
It takes guts to be a b***tch. People admire guts, and strength. I don't think I have that, not when it comes to being clever or social or a good friend. I wish I was a good friend.
I hate sounding like this, needy. I hate depending on people to feel good about myself, or to feel good about anything. I want to be someone people admire, not someone they ignore or don't pay attention to. The fact that I publicly display that need on my blog is a good enough reason why I don't have it. It's probably why most people don't really like me, or even know about me. Terrific.